I’ve had many wonderful interviews throughout my career. Moments when I knew I wanted the job and that it was mine for the taking. Interviews where I pulled answers out of the depths of my brain and later wondered how that knowledge ever got there.

The opposite is also true. Early in my digital marketing career, I interviewed with a major advertising agency and showed up absolutely unprepared. I didn’t want the job, but somehow I wanted them to want me. When they asked, "Why would you want to go from client-side to agency-side?" I knew I didn’t want to, so instead I started talking and then kept talking. And talking. I lulled myself into such a bored slumber that I felt my smarter self floating above the interview, watching this unending, meaningless soliloquy and tried to send powerful psychic messages saying, "SHUT UP! I BEG YOU. JUST STOP TALKING!" Finally, I did. The HR Manager did not pass me on to the Hiring Manager I was scheduled to meet. I apologized to my friend who referred me and I made a promise to myself to always give 100% to prepare. And now, I help my clients make that commitment as well.

Here’s my interview prep process that starts with the surface topics and then digs deep into reflecting on the challenges that may be holding you back in your search.

1. Your elevator pitch
I see that face behind your screen. Yes, you need this. It’s simply the answer to the question, "Tell me about yourself." You want this to be clear, precise and on-brand. This is your first impression and your chance to have a powerful start. You can get my three Elevator Pitch Formulas here!

2. STAR Stories—more is more here
Hiring managers want to hear examples of how you exemplified the skills and expertise they’re seeking. That said, you don’t want to talk for days without a breath or jump into a story that has a beginning, a middle and a middle. STAR is a framework you can use to practice your stories. It stands for Situation, Task, Action, Result. When working with clients, I often have this nagging feeling to remind them that you don’t say those words as you’re telling the story, rather it’s simply how you organize the story in your mind. My absolute favorite interview article on themuse.com, 31 of The Most Common Interview Questions, will walk you through how to create your STAR stories for the top interview questions. Note—come up with many and some that are within the past year. Some hiring managers will get that specific!

3. Walk me through your resume
This is a common interview request that you can use to tell your narrative in a positive way, highlighting a diverse set of strengths. I work with clients to attach one anchor strength, skill learned or story that demonstrates a top quality of yours to each role listed on your resume. That way, you can connect the dots with those anchor points to walk through your resume in a clear, concise way that demonstrates the breadth of your experience and allows your personal brand to shine through.

4. Where are the skeletons buried?
This is where we dig deep and get honest with ourselves. While reviewing your resume, underline bullets and write in the margin areas where you might or definitely will go negative. Why are you leaving your job? Why did you stay in the same role for 6 years? Why did you take a career break? How was it working with a manager accused of sexual harassment? You know the questions. You know the moments that still make your face red and your palms sweaty. Reframe those stories. Rewrite the narrative in a boundaried way so that you only say what you are comfortable saying. Then, when you’re in the conversation, hit it head on and then move on. Don’t linger in those landmines even if you are well practiced.

5. Do your research and ask insightful questions
Any hiring manager wants to see your hunger, your commitment and your style in the interview. If you’ve done your homework and ask good questions, you’re showing them that this is the kind of person you’re going to be in the role. Also know that this process goes both ways—you are interviewing this employer as well. When you ask questions about the company, but also the things that are important to you in a role (leadership style, culture, etc.), you’re demonstrating confidence and gaining leverage in your negotiations because it provides the appearance that you have options.

6. Intentions and self-care
The day of the interview, do what you need to do to raise your energy and make yourself feel whole—like you. For some, that means planning your outfit the night before and exercising or meditating in the morning. For others it means having a token or symbol of strength on your person during the meeting. If I have pockets—a rare event in women’s clothing—I like to keep my father’s pinky ring with me during a presentation or a big meeting. Occasionally, I’ll touch it and feel grounded, refueled and energized. One of my clients puts a rock from her hometown in her pocket for the same reason. Also, set an intention for who you want to be in the meeting. If you’ve reflected on your values lately, perhaps it’s one of those—connection or courage. For some of my clients, they set an intention to simply learn more about the role or to be themselves. If you find yourself struggling during the interview, take a deep breath and remember, " I can be myself."

As you strengthen your narrative and your interviewing skills, know that it takes practice—and there’s ALWAYS room to improve. If you don’t get the job, ask for feedback. Even though I’ve found feedback comes only 15-20% of the time, sometimes it can be an absolutely critical piece of wisdom that makes all the difference in your next round of interviews. Also know that finding a job is often about fit. Sometimes when you don’t get the job, you may have dodged a bullet because of something in their culture or leadership approach that was not going to be a fit with your style. Make sure you do a debrief after you don’t get a role so you can learn how to vet those wrong-fit situations out within the interview process and set your own expectations accordingly. Because I have the benefit of seeing many people through this process, I know that the tools I’ve outlined work, but the most important thing you can do for yourself during this intense time of a job search is believe. Believe that there is not only one great opportunity out there for you, but many. With a combination of belief, knowledge that you’re worthy of that next great role, patience, practice and prep—in time—you will get there too.

Early on in my career, I was on a lean digital team where I was hired to lead all functional and marketing efforts for our consumer website. We had momentum and a lot of big ideas aimed at solving our customer’s challenges. Our brand was rising quickly in popularity, so we were driving toward fast changes that made a big impact. The one problem was, we had a weak link. Bob.

Bob was a critical member of our team who had been there since the company was in its early stages and he wasn’t moving with the times. He missed nearly every deadline, didn’t show up for meetings and called in sick multiple times a week. And worse—he was our technology lead, so we were at a loss to make much happen without him.

I felt stuck in my role. I couldn’t make any progress without the technical support of this one person. I, along with others on the team, made the case umpteen times for his removal, but our leader—so strong in so many ways—did not want to take this on.

He hoped Bob would improve.

He assumed at some point Bob would leave on his own.

He asked everyone else on the team to pick up where Bob left off.

In my work coaching and training employees on personal and professional leadership skills, I find many managers and organizations have this same blind spot that my leader did way back when. They leave the poor performer to continue performing poorly and the rest of the team to learn how to live with it.

Often managers leave the employee in place under the guise of being nice, kind or compassionate. As shared by LinkedIn CEO Jeff Weiner in a recent Oprah Super Soul Conversation (that is a must-listen!), the compassionate thing to do is to help that employee move on to a role where he or she would be a better fit. Leaving Bob in a role where he is failing is not good for anyone—especially Bob!

In my experience, it’s this skill—knowing when an employee needs to transition and acting swiftly and generously in making it happen—that separates the good leaders from the great ones. It’s understanding how one person can impact an entire team or organization. When one person is acting out or not meeting expectations, it robs the rest of the team of the clarity and safety that helps them function as a unit. It leaves them in a crisis-mode that minimizes their efforts daily.

There are clearly steps to take prior to making such a transition.

• Providing feedback on how Bob can improve while creating a plan together to help make that happen

• Setting clear expectations again on the breadth of requirements of the role.

• Opening the lines of communication on where Bob’s strengths may match up better to a role within or outside of the organization.

And then, if you have moved through all of the steps to get Bob up to speed and he still can’t do the job he’s being asked to do, it takes both courage and compassion to support Bob in a transition toward something new. As a leader, this is a hard conversation, but if you approach it with your core values in mind, knowing the person you want to be in that moment—though uncomfortable—you will know it is the right thing for all involved.

A handful of times in my life, I walked into a moment when all normalcy, all routine, everything I knew to be true—completely changed in an instant. Time stopped and my entire focus was on the present moment.

After my parents died.

When my babies were born.

When Aunt Marilyn was in rehab after her stroke.

Taking the leap from corporate to start my business.

In these times, other priorities faded into the background and the most important task in front of me was all I could focus on. Moments that would have been easily forgotten at other times of my life—brought me into appreciation of all that I’ve missed when I was swept up by the siren song of routine living.

Making it to school on time or falling asleep at night after my parents’ accident when I was 11.

Wondering if the baby needed to be changed, fed or put down for a nap—and getting the answer right.

Watching a once chatty Aunt Marilyn struggle to form a word as simple as "no."

Signing my first client.

Now, after many years, I find myself in a similar moment in time. It’s not as life changing as loss, or birth, or sickness—and some may laugh (I know who you are) at the very connection—but it brings to mind the same slowing down and refocus I’ve encountered before. We have a new puppy that has brought a combination of love and chaos into my life, and his needs have summoned my presence, forcing me to step off the treadmill and re-evaluate priorities.

I was fearful that bringing this new little guy into our lives would throw my business off course —that I would have no time to do what I need to do. And instead what I found was that what I need to do is changing. The number of hours I spend practicing presence with this animal has helped me more easily shift into that gear with clients, colleagues and in my work overall.

I know my slow speed is temporary. It’s not part of my DNA and I’m self-aware enough to get that. But I’m learning that in my wholesale dropping of projects because "it’s not a good time," I am focusing on the parts of the job I love—with the muscle memory of presence. I am getting more energy from my work and the business continues to thrive while I’m working less. I’ve heard this could happen, but living it first-hand now feels like a gift.

Whether it’s because I saw the movie 9 to 5 too many times in my youth, because I have a flair for the dramatic or even because of an early hunger for the freedom of entrepreneurship—I was prone to quitting fantasies in my early career. Just like the joys of starting a new relationship in which your partner seems infallible and the possibilities for a life together seem endless, the fresh start of a potential new job was intoxicating to me. A job where all bosses would be inspiring leaders, all colleagues would put out a helping hand to give you a career boost and all projects were apolitical—keeping the end-user in mind. These visions gave me some time to think about what a good resignation looks like and also conjure up your standard burning bridges scenarios. Having taken both approaches—there’s one I would call a "career lengthening" move, while the other simply brings Dolly, Jane and Lily to mind in some of the more cringe-worthy scenes. 

When my clients are preparing for their big resignation moment, a moment that has run through their minds on a loop (often for months), we focus on hitting these points so they can live this experience in a way that feels true to them. 

1. Address emotions ahead of time
Your meeting to announce your resignation with your direct boss is not the moment to begin processing ongoing grievances from your tenure at the company. Work with a friend, partner or professional to acknowledge your feelings of frustration, anger or disappointment so that you can walk into the meeting composed and confident. 

2. Share only what feels comfortable to you
String together a narrative that feels positive and forward thinking so you can walk out the door on a high. Even if there have been tough moments in your role that have pushed you closer to your decision, it’s your choice whether you share them or not. Know that you are not hiding or shrinking if you choose to focus only on what you’re moving toward instead of what you’re leaving behind. You can set a boundary in your choice of narrative and there is always an opportunity to share more at a later date if you so choose. 

3. Keep feedback constructive
If you feel compelled to share feedback on a colleague, manager or trend at the company, take time to craft your talking points so that they are actionable and helpful to moving the culture or productivity of the company in a positive direction. Provide your thoughts through a lens of being in service to the company and the people you care about who are still there. Complaining and dropping problems into the laps of already overworked employees in the name of being right is not helpful to anyone and will not make the impact you hoped to make. If your feedback involves incidents of harassment, review these steps in Lolly Daskal’s piece, 10 Tips For Dealing With Workplace Harassment and ideally consult an attorney prior to giving feedback. 

4. Express gratitude where it feels authentic
Gratitude and appreciation go a long way in keeping career bridges intact. As you think through your narrative, identify clear and authentic ways you can acknowledge the person on the other end—or the company—for the opportunity, for the visibility or for the chance to learn. Whatever it is, it should feel real for both of you. 

5. Be professional about notice and transition
Treat your transition with the respect you showed your role. Give at least two weeks, document your work and processes, meet with colleagues to hand off your work and help hire and/or train your replacement if it fits into your notice window. Do whatever may be meaningful to the people you are leaving behind so that they can feel the care you put into this change. All of that said, if the two week professional standard is all you can do to ensure you have a short break between roles, you can set a boundary there so you have some time to ready yourself for your new opportunity. 

6. Leave the door wide open
I am proud to say that my biggest supporters in my business are former colleagues and direct managers who were on the receiving end of my resignation conversations. If there are people who you are leaving behind with whom you would love to work or collaborate again—by all means—let them know. Connect on LinkedIn, suggest you meet for coffee when you get settled, send them an article here and there to let them know they’re on your mind. Nurture those relationships at a distance, but with the same care and honesty you did when you were on the front lines together, spending more hours side by side than you did with your spouse or closest friends! 

When your narrative is on point and you’re ready for your meeting, practice walking through it with a friend, colleague, coach or therapist. Note areas that may bring up emotion or where you take a detour into negative land. Hone those bits so you feel calm and clear in your delivery. Do something the morning of your meeting that will boost your energy and confidence like—exercising, listening to a power song ("Eye of the Tiger" anyone?) or saying a mantra like, "Onward!" or "Peace out people." or whatever works for you. Know that you’ve made your decision—which was the hard part—and now you get to live out your fantasy that’s been rolling around your mind for months, except this time it’s for real. In front of you stands the fresh start you’ve earned. 

We all make mistakes. We are imperfect. We are human. For all these reasons, I often work with clients on minimizing their apologizing. We are a culture where (especially as women) we tend to over-apologize. 

I’m sorry I’m not available during the times you are free. 

I’m sorry I didn’t get out of your way fast enough while passing you in the hall. 

I’m sorry I interrupted you when in fact that was the only way I was going to get a word into the discussion. 

In this sea of sorries, each one becomes meaningless. Then, when we make our true mistakes, we are left without words, without trust and without any way to make a difference in even our most important relationships. 

In our work when we make mistakes, one way to repair the relationship is to write an authentic, vulnerable email (not text!) that you then follow up a few days later with a call or in-person conversation. I like using email because it conveys the gravity of what you’re trying to communicate while text is more of a casual medium. It also gives the person on the other end some time to process what you’re saying so they are less reactive in their response. 

Here are a few ways you can make your apology more meaningful in your work or life:

1. Kick your habit of pointless apologies
You’re giving away your power each time you make a pointless apology, so now’s your time to become aware of when you do it and make some changes. You’re also setting up distrust for when you make a heart-felt apology, so stepping into your power to work on this habit will provide you with the foundation and tools when you make the inevitable bigger mistakes. 

2. Don’t make excuses or try to be right
If you use this email as a way to line up your points about why you were justified in acting as you did—you’ve completely missed the point and will dig yourself further into a hole. If you want to repair this trust and this relationship, now is your moment to take 100% responsibility for your actions. By sharing where you are clear you made a mistake and that in the future you’re going to do X, Y and Z differently—you’ve taken the first step toward a possibility of healing rather than continuing to protect yourself. 

3. Be you
Be honest, be vulnerable and write how you normally would write or speak. There’s no need to be formal or robotic because you’re conveying something serious. In fact, quite the opposite. A sprinkling of self-deprecating humor never hurt an apology note, so if that’s your typical approach—go with it. 

4. Be brief
Dissertations in this context will not be read or appreciated. No roman numerals, no footnotes—simple, heart-felt words are your go-to approach here. If your note is running long, save as draft, come back later and edit like it matters…because it does. 

5. Be patient and compassionate about a response
Once you send your note, avoid the temptation to refresh your email every ten seconds. If you notice yourself getting angry or frustrated about a lack of response (after an hour), acknowledge those feelings are more about you than about that person. You’re angry with yourself and that’s OK. You can do better and you will do better, but give the gift of some space while he or she figures out next steps. Feelings take time to resolve and people vary in how quickly they can move toward forgiveness. Your note is not a quick fix. It’s the first step in a longer process of repairing trust. 

6. Follow up with actions in sync with your words
In your note, mention that you will follow up with a call or in-person meeting in a few days and make sure you do just that. The next step toward making things right again is being in integrity—doing what you say you will do. The relationship may take time to heal, but when you’re clear about its importance to you and act accordingly—you’re on the path toward forgiveness. 

Of course honing your apology skills is never license to knowingly disrespect your work or your relationships. If you’re acting in accordance with your values and being the kind of leader you want to be in your life—one would hope this is a skill that would need to rarely be deployed. That said, as with so many of the uncomfortable aspects of living in a world AS imperfect humans WITH imperfect humans—having more tools and a language to help us take responsibility for who we are can move us further down the road towards acceptance. 
 

This summer has been a wonderful combination of downtime (that I’m now ready to enjoy!), experimenting with new opportunities, getting clear on what’s working and what’s not in my business and re-envisioning my plan for moving forward. I’ve covered my whiteboard in my still teenage bubbly scribble, I’ve reconnected with colleagues and mentors to discuss my progression and I hired my own coach to help me optimize this business that I already love. 

When I sat down to write a future-focused vision for my first coaching session, I was swept up by the opportunity to think about the big picture instead of the tactical moves to getting there. I’ve always been more of a big-picture thinker, but coming out of the corporate hierarchy to run my own business has forced me to get granular and address the small steps to building your own dream. 

A few hours after immersing myself in this exercise, relishing the clarity and ease within the life I put on paper, I realized there are many things I’m currently doing in my life and in my career that are not even mentioned in that document. I thought about a revision, but stopped myself. Do I want to include them? I have the choice. How do I want this to look and how do I want to feel in my life and in my work?

As a next step, I decided to create an energy map of all of the things I am currently doing in the business. I listed out all of my business activities in four categories:

1. Igniting
All of the things I do that light me up. The things that make me bounce out of bed in the morning. The things I can’t wait to tell my daughters about. The moments I feel most alive. 
2. Not Sure
I’ve been experimenting with these things and I enjoy them, but I’m not yet getting power and magic from them (and yes, I am seeking power and magic). I may not be skilled enough in the work yet or I may have some fear around these projects and activities that I haven’t yet addressed. I don’t have enough data to decide to do anything but stay the course with them right now. They’re not a hell yeah, but they’re also not a no. 
3. Curious About
I’m hungry to learn more about these things. I may be far along in my journey with them or I may be just beginning. I don’t yet know how they will evolve into part of my work, but I am committed to staying on the path until I know. 
4. Draining
This is not a judgment on the work, more of a statement that these activities are the wrong fit with my specific set of strengths. I’m not the person to be doing this work and by moving away from it, I’m opening up space for more that’s on my (long!) Igniting list. 

Looking at my list, there was some clear low hanging fruit to address that could help me begin heading down the right path. And while the answer is not as simple as release everything on the draining list, it could be looking into what are my reasons for holding onto things on the draining list? Or where have I done that at other times in my career so I can get to the root of the problem and end a behavior pattern that’s not serving me. One of the most moving parts of this exercise was looking at that igniting list and asking myself, “What if I built my career with only those things?” I’m close enough to it right now that it’s quite easy to imagine, but the vision is peaceful and full and I’m grateful to even see these possibilities for my life. 

Recently, I listened to an interview with Spike Lee where he talked about his childhood and college experience. After discussing his early love of poetry, theater and music, Lee asked his interviewer, Alec Baldwin, "Do you know who are the biggest killers of dreams?" Long pause. "Parents." Ouch—that one hurts! While my kids are a long way from college-age, consider that message officially received. 

I also see many parents encouraging their kids to dive into known, stable careers in order to protect them from struggle and lifelong hardships. It’s clear it comes from a place of love, through a lens of their own challenges making ends meet. By contrast, that was not Spike Lee’s experience. He was supported by his parents with acknowledgement, respect and prompting to go farther in his love of the arts—even when his parents didn’t know if it would offer him stability or a solid foundation for his future. This freedom planted the belief that it was possible to make something of his unique combination of creativity, passion and grit. 

Lee’s powerful advice strikes me as I watch my friends, colleagues and clients send their kids off to college this August. Here are 3 ideas to help you continue on the path of encouragement as you move one foot off the cliff: 

1. Their careers haven’t been invented yet
A former colleague and friend told me her son’s college addressed all of the parents with this statement on day one of parent’s weekend. It both blew me away and was absolutely true for my career. A year out of school, I fell into a new career as a "Web Producer." Being a Psychology major, I had no idea such a thing existed…because it didn’t. At the beginning of that career, I used to talk about my love for inventing my job every day. It was thrilling. If I had known it was impossible to predict the career path I would choose in school, I know for certain I would have been less stressed about choosing that exact right path and perfect major that would set me up for success. Instead, I switched my major five times and drew more from my elective classes (chosen for pure joy) in my career than from any of my multiple majors. 

2. Deeper self knowledge and awareness will give them an edge
In this climate of over-achievement where many kids in schools will get top grades, working hard is of course important, but high marks are not the end all, be all. A student’s ability to experiment and uncover passions and channel a curiosity to figure out what makes him or her different instead of the same will be key to breaking through the pack. By reflecting on values, strengths and passions early and often, students can learn a skill I emphasize in my work with mid-career professionals—authentic self-promotion. They will also have greater clarity in what opportunities to pursue—and even create! 

3. Relationships are paramount
It goes without saying, the knowledge gained on a variety of topics (dare I say, any) is an important component of college. That said—I will go out on a limb here with an opinion that—a focus on learning how to build professional relationships and the network of relationships built in school is as (if not more) important than the curriculum. The more your almost-adults know how to nurture relationships with fellow students, alumnae, professors, Career Center faculty—the more ideas he or she will be exposed to about possible career options and the wider the networking community to call on when he or she is ready to get out there. As someone with zero family career connections or capital, I learned early that to jumpstart my career, I needed to build relationships myself—and that practice helped me get up and running with a wide network that is still an area of my career bringing me the most support and pride. 

As a coach, I have the benefit of seeing the aggregate experiences of my clients’ college and career paths. I see clients thriving who went to city and state schools and schools with little to no name recognition. I see those who went to ivies and are struggling to get their careers off the ground (until we get them digging deep!). And then there are those whose college failures bare no resemblance to their professional success (so don’t worry there’s still hope if your student is not yet where you thought he/she would be). When you send them off to do their best, to learn about the world and themselves, remember that often it’s the life skills, the practice of being an independent, empathetic, resilient, flawed human that will prepare them the most for the paths that are theirs to create. 

Last month I had a career highlight moment when I trained new candidates (mostly women!) running for public office on executive presence and personal leadership at an event in Pennsylvania. My husband and I decided to make a Philly family weekend out of it. While I worried how the unpredictability of 7 and 10 year olds would throw me off my game, my gut told me it was the right thing to do. 

So, after a fun Saturday at the Franklin Institute, as well as exploring some of Philly’s cute neighborhoods and kid-friendly eats, we set off to the Sunday event where I would be one of several speakers. During the car ride that morning, the kids were belting out Hamilton lyrics as they often do on longer rides and I could feel my heart pound double time as it does before I take the stage. I went quiet—and because I’m the mom who usually sings along (or stumbles along if we’re referring to Hamilton), my silence did not go unnoticed. The girls began firing questions at me and poking and prodding—anything to figure out where I was at that moment. 

I felt my resistance assume fighting stance.

My urge to hide my imperfection, my vulnerability and my fear was palpable. 

I wanted to be their cool, unshakeable, runs her own business, changing the world mom. Instead, I was afraid to stand in someone’s living room to share material I live and breathe every day with total strangers. 

"I’m ner-cited." I said quoting Jane, my ten-year old’s sentiments before her 4th grade chorus recital earlier this year. At the time I was blown away that at 10, she already knew nervous and excited feel exactly the same. It took me 40+ years to get there and I’m still reminding myself daily. With my admission came instant relief—for all of us. "Oh, ok Mom." Then without missing a beat, "I am not throwing away my shot!" 

In order to be their runs her own business, making the world a better place for them mom—I must show them that I’m often afraid to be that person—but I do it anyway. I go out there and I do it imperfectly because I’m a flawed human. Watching my humanity gives them the opportunity to be vulnerable and imperfect as they do the things in life that they simultaneously crave and fear. Though my aspiration is often to show them that model of perfection so they’re proud of me and our family—I know when I go beyond my ego and I let them catch me being who I truly am, I’m showing them it’s possible to be all of who they are. 

Later in that inspiring day, I stood in front of the room to connect with and support my audience. My 7-year-old, Roxanne, sat on a bar stool, legs dangling, quietly staring at me command a room of rapt learners. And Jane ran across the "stage" a couple of times mid-talk in only a bathing suit to grab sunscreen from her dad. Not ideal—but I worked it into a laugh or two. It was real. For the candidates, I was the coach who is also a mom that wanted her daughters to see what it looks like when women run for office. For my daughters, it was a peak into what mommy does all day and what’s possible when you’re doing something you love. And for me, the opportunity to feel the full support of the people I love while being a part of something core to my mission—even in those messy moments, especially in those messy moments—was true freedom.