I had the honor and the gift of attending a friend’s surprise 50th birthday party last week. After the shock wore off, the birthday girl sat aglow amongst 12 of her core people from every stage of life. The love in the room was strong and we were buzzed before the wine was even poured.

This is what it looks like when you dive into relationships with a full heart, the generosity to show up for people and the clarity to know what’s important to you in a friend. On the flip side, in my work with clients, often issues in their relationships arise and we notice that some of the challenges that show up in their careers are also present in their friendships. It is a lonely place to be.

They feel they can’t be completely themselves.

They don’t advocate for what they want or need.

They feel baited into drama and noise instead of what’s important to them.

They don’t feel seen or heard.

I like to remind them—you’re choosing all of that. If you’ve now decided you’re going to walk away from those dynamics in your career and you’re going to be a leader in your role—let’s practice by helping you become a leader in your life.

Who are you being with your people and who do you want to be?

What are you tolerating in your relationships and what are the things you will no longer accept?

In order to help clients set boundaries, we draw on an exercise I use with job seekers defining what they ABSOLUTELY need in their next roles. We get clear on the 5 non-negotiables for a next role like—flexibility, a boss who’s not an asshole, learning and growth—you get the idea. With clients struggling in friendships, we translate this to, "What are the non-negotiable qualities you need in a friend?" For me those five would be:

1. Respect (my time, my boundaries, me being me)

2. Vulnerability (can go there and can be present when I do)

3. Humor (either you make me laugh or you laugh at my jokes or BOTH!)

4. Depth (focus on the stuff that matters, not the petty drama)

5. Agency (you know you are in charge of your own life and you are proactive about shaping it)

When you figure this out, you can tweak who you’re being in relationships to make sure you’re in integrity with this list of qualities. In this process, there may be some bonds that don’t make it through the filter. If they don’t, it’s not always necessary to end the relationship altogether. Instead, you can keep these people in your life, but in a smaller way. You can decide to set different boundaries, see them less often and call on them less for your needs. They may not make it to your inner circle, but they can still be a part of your life in a way that works for you.

Of course, if the relationship is toxic and wearing down your energy and your health, you may need to walk away completely. Get the support you need in doing this. There was something you were getting out of that relationship—even if it wasn’t serving you. Breaking from that dynamic can be simultaneously uncomfortable and a relief for your soul. It’s never too late (or too early) to do this exercise. Whether you’re nearing your 50th birthday or just starting out after college—know that who you share your life, your dreams and your toughest moments with is your choice. And when you set intentions about who you want it to be, they show up in your life by surprise and to remind you of all the things you need most.

In a recent workshop with women business-owners and consultants, I stepped into a moment of pride as I shared the list of reasons many of us decide to go into business for ourselves. Of course, flexibility and choice of projects and clients top the list, and then there are the days you never leave your sweatpants.

But hands down, one of my favorite perks of running my own company is creating opportunities to work with friends.

In my corporate career prior to my transition to coaching, I was a leader fueled by connection and often built lasting friendships with colleagues. That said, since those were relationships that began within a career context—the lines of how to jump back and forth between the personal and professional were drawn within my muscle memory. It felt natural.

I’ve come to realize that while this felt easy for me—perhaps because I witnessed the modeling of strong, clear leaders doing it well or because I lean toward a style of over-communication—it is something that can present a challenge for many in both their own businesses and in corporate roles. Often I see clients in the midst of corporate restructurings and their colleagues, now friends, are being moved above or below them. It can feel awkward. It can bring up fear and anxiety for all involved. But as I like to say in session, “What if you looked at it in a completely different way?”

When you get the opportunity to work with or even for your friends, that’s when your career can become another level of fun.

Here are some ways I work with clients to address the anxiety of this transition so they can reap the benefits that are possible on the other side.

1. Set clear boundaries
Give yourself time for a deep think on what boundaries will make this relationship feel safe for you in both a personal and professional setting. Do you want to remind your friend of what personal things you would not want revealed at the office? Or do you want to ban all talk of the personal while at work? And vice-versa, when you’re out with your friend at a dinner or gathering feel free to tap her on the shoulder to say, “Let’s not talk about work the whole time.” When you are both clear about where to draw the lines, you can enjoy the benefits and efficiencies of working with someone you truly respect and admire as a human.

2. Create a habit of transparent communication
When the sticky moments arise, which they inevitably will, push through the discomfort. Be honest, vulnerable and clear. The more you can build this into a habit for your communication with your friend—both at and outside of work—the more comfort you will gain. You may have to talk about money. You will disagree. Set expectations that you know these things will come up and that sometimes you will both squirm, but you are committed to working through anything because this relationship is important to you.

3. Discuss what would create a win-win
If your friend has now become your boss, you may be looking at this situation from all of its negative angles. And, as with any aspect of life, if you seek the negative, you are sure to find it. That said, how can you look at this scenario so that you both get what you want? You can work together to discuss what success could look like for each of you, and then forge forward supporting each other in getting to those goals. Remove egos and the opinions of everyone else. Who cares how this looks to others. Become champions for each other’s goals. Become a power team.

While I clearly have my POV here and have experienced the joy of working with my people, only you can be the judge of whether you’re in a relationship that can span these two worlds. If boundaries and communication are tough in a personal relationship, most likely they will be challenging in the professional realm as well. That said, in the friendships where it does work, you can get so skilled at navigating these dual relationships that you can build a shorthand where the communication happens in a look, a tap on the shoulder or an emoji-only text. While this process may feel complex or fraught, remember we spend the majority of our time in our work, so why not choose to spend it with the people in our inner circle.

Last week I went to a funeral for a friend’s mom. I never met her, but that sure didn’t stop me from weeping like we shared our deepest, darkest together. Yes, after much self-reflection along my journey, I’ve come to an acceptance around being that girl at the stranger’s funeral. I’m sure there’s part of me that connects this moment to all of those important and traumatic funerals that came before.

But now more than ever, as someone who helps people create lives driven by all that’s meaningful to them, I’m moved, held and tightly gripped by the ritual telling of a human’s story.

Who was she to her people?

What did she fight like hell to overcome?

What were her quirks that simultaneously drove people crazy and drew them close?

How would she want to be remembered and is that how we will remember her?

As a committed soldier to the practice of life transformation, bearing witness to the authentic recounting of imperfect and beautiful lives drives me to ask the questions:

1. Am I living my truth?

2. How do I inspire others to commit to living theirs, no matter how hard or unpopular it may be to do so?

To address my own truth, I’m constantly tweaking and checking in on who I’m being and the impact I’m making. And then, by writing it all down to share with the people who care, I recognize that I am, in fact, living it.

I’m fighting for a more equitable world for my daughters and for women, and I truly believe we will see change in my lifetime. All that said, I often feel I can be doing more, and it all looks pretty messy in practice. I fear the impact I want to make comes at the cost of the people I love and the time I have to care for them.

That’s where my focus goes when I think about my legacy.

I want to be remembered as someone who fought for a more equitable world so that all humans have the opportunity to create lives according to what’s most important to them AND I want my people to know that they are/were loved by me. That our connections are what change me and fuel me and make me want to do the work I do. Alas, this is the hard part and the area I know I can do better. And will do better.

When it comes to the people in my sphere—the lives I have the honor to touch—we zero in on whether they’re living intentional, meaningful lives by creating what I call a Legacy Gap Analysis. Here’s how it works:

1. Write your eulogy, the story of your life as if it ended right now.

2. Now, write what you WANT the retelling of your life to sound like, for your people and for the world.

3. Where are the gaps in your two stories?

4. What steps can you take right now to fill in those gaps? Hint: it’s less about goals you can accomplish and more about who you are being in your life.

Once you’ve completed your analysis, approach it without judgment. This is where you are. There are many stories you can create about where you are. Choose those stories that spring from compassion for yourself and how far you’ve come. These are the narratives that will help you connect with all the work still to do within your gap. It is your work to do and you can let every breath be a reminder that there is still time to make that impact on the world you are driven to make and to love your people the way you know they need to be loved.

Often times when we get comfortable in a role, we put down roots—and well, get even more comfortable. We can make sense of a job that is known. It’s predictable. It’s safe. It’s autopilot amenable. Career autopilot can serve a purpose. It helps us shift priorities when life happens. When we have babies or losses. When we run marathons or tend to injuries from said marathons.

But something happens when we sleepwalk through our careers.

We wake up:

Writing the same deck for the umpteenth time with a new set of logos.

Falling down the same rabbit holes because a senior leader heard a buzzword.

Giving in to decisions that aren’t aligned with our values.

And we wonder, "How did I get here?" The answer is simple—you forgot or chose not to do these two things.

1. Focus on learning and growth
When we identify how we want to grow in our careers and then step onto the path to doing so, we boost our energy and our expertise—coming up with new clues for longer-term goals. Lucky for us, there are a multitude of ways to address our development areas that range from hundreds of dollars to free. Reignite your learning with workshops, classes, conferences, conversations, YouTube videos, Meetups, books, podcasts—and any other way you can think to possibly digest content in the coming year.

2. Network and connect without an agenda
One critical component to a thriving career is your network, otherwise known as the relationships you nurture over years. When we get comfortable in a job, we can disappear on our network. Then, when it comes time to either look for a new job or attempt to get unstuck, we must—yet again—start from zero with our people. What could have been ongoing watering and tending to the garden becomes a daunting and draining task. When you continue to make time for your contacts, colleagues and the people you meet doing weird and interesting things, you grow, you gain energy, you cultivate relationships, you help others and most importantly—you feel connected.

Exercise, clean eating and rest are essential for your physical health—just as continued learning and ongoing networking are key for your career health. When you are in the space of momentum, energy and self-awareness that flows from these two things, you can make ongoing subtle shifts in your focus, rather than waking up in a rut one day that will require a monumental shift. Make the time. Choose the things and the people that ignite you so that watering the garden feels nurturing to you, too! And then, reap the rewards of the spring bloom that shows up in the form of community, possibilities and opportunities you never expected to appear.

Do you show up for work every day feeling like you’re living the wrong life? Are you pretending to care about what you do all day, only to come home exhausted from the charade? Does your work require you to always be on, without time to actually enjoy the life you’re funding?

Many of my clients come to me at these very moments. They’re stuck, lost and not sure how to move forward.

They have 15 (or more) years experience in a skill they no longer want to use.

They’re so depleted that they no longer know what they’re good at OR what they enjoy doing.

They’re hooked into a lifestyle tied to their current salary.

They’re worried that leaving this "good on paper" job or company will look like a failure.

It’s not exactly the set of circumstances that opens the door to new possibilities and creative ideas. These clients often appear in my office after a health issue has taken hold—pneumonia, a debilitating fall or injury, chronic pain or even panic attacks. After resisting their intuition and ignoring their discontent, their bodies spring into action to wake them from their paralysis. They finally see it. It’s time to make a change.

If this sounds like you, know that there is a way out. You have more options than you realize. Take the following first steps to get unstuck.

1. Identify the fear.
What are you afraid will happen if you make a change? And what will not happen? Make a list of your fears so you can take a closer look at what is preventing you from taking action. You can also begin speaking with friends, colleagues and professionals who can work with you to see if there’s truly any evidence to validate those fears. It’s both unsettling and liberating to discover that the worries that have been holding you back for years are not grounded in reality.

2. Create space.
In order to begin moving forward, I recommend setting new boundaries in your current role. For some this means committing to leave at 6 PM daily and for others it’s sealing the laptop shut over the weekend and on vacations. Still for others, if they have the financial means, it’s making a clean break to take some time off. In this newfound space you can move toward things you want to learn—take classes or workshops—or do the things that bring you joy. You can take time to reflect on the things that you do well or the moments throughout your career that ignited you. You can tend to your body with exercise, rest and simply being you without the expectations of figuring out who that is every minute and constantly making meaning.

3. Deploy your A-Team.
Who are the people in your circle transforming their lives, their companies and their industries? Who was it that pushed you out of the nest before you felt ready to deliver the presentation? Sure, you were bruised, but you practiced, you nailed it and you learned what was possible. Find those people. Let them know that you’re ready for a change and that even though you don’t know what it is yet, you will reach out to them for support from time to time. If you don’t have any of those people in your life, it might be a clue as to why you’re so stuck. Look for inspiration from books, podcasts and TED Talks, then slowly work your way into networking and connecting with bold-thinking people who will support your seemingly crazy ideas and provide feedback on how to make them seem less crazy to you.

When you acknowledge you’re in a mid-career crisis, I recommend you do not use it to add the pressure to find immediate answers. Answers rarely show up as soon as you realize you need them. It’s a process that, as with anything, you can choose to internally market as torture or see as fun and enlightening. During my career transition from digital marketing to coaching, I set up a minimum of one networking meeting a week with people who were working on interesting projects that could potentially never intersect with what I was doing, but the inspiration, connection and flurry of possibilities carried me through the rest of the week (and my multiyear transition) with energy to spare.

Writing on January 2nd is hard. The possibilities are endless—and yet so are the expectations. I want to jump into my year with a karate chop slicing through a cinder block, but I’m still processing my holiday break reflection, uncertainty about the new year to come and my exhaustion from entertaining two kids for nearly two weeks straight. That’s a lot of kid time for this working mom (Respect, stay at home parents.).

By far the most challenging part of starting fresh this week is starting fresh. Taking a step into a pure white canvas and bringing to it my inevitable mess. My optimistic, ambitious, well-meaning, out of practice, fearful, unrested mess. In my head there’s a dance party of perfect, pristine images that refuse to connect to words. So my goal right now: let them dance. Be where I am, which may be exactly where I need to be.

And where am I? 2018 was an exciting and successful year professionally, but an intense and exhausting year on the personal front. On top of living the busy life of a working mom of two, caregiving for my uncle with Parkinson’s kicked up a notch this year and moved into the foreground of my personal priorities. Heading into 2019 with even bigger goals for both business growth and writing projects while continuing to navigate my uncle’s care—leaves me with the worry that doing all I have planned may not be possible.

This is the fear that winks at my empty page, my blinking cursor, my new year, my blank slate.

But I don’t need to choose it as I often did in 2018. I fed that beast with stress and resentment and false helplessness. That is simply not who I am, but I was tired and angry. My work, my practice this year is to forgive myself for stewing and to excise that thought with surgical precision.

In the face of my new year with endless possibilities, I vow to:

1. Actively choose to believe what I want is possible.

2. See the beauty in the mess.

The mess means I’m bringing all that I am, including my fear to the work. This is what it looks like when you forge forward despite all the reasons not to do so. There will always be excuses to stand in one place. You need not look far to find them. When you ignore them, step into the uncertainty and challenge the naysaying with your action, you can find new confidence in course correcting back to your unique path. My path includes uncovering my fears and my solace in writing and inspiring and being inspired by my incredible clients—all while triaging multiple calls a day from and about my uncle. It is both beauty and mess and also fraught with lessons that are mine for the learning.

One evening last week, I was wrapping up my day of coaching sessions and writing some emails to clients while sitting on my bed. My puppy, Taco, who is now six months old, was lying across my feet, and I was working away to the tunes of my daughter’s piano and voice lesson in the living room. I snapped a photo of Taco and sent it to my husband.

“You have the best job,” He said

“By design,” I responded

I welled up with pride. I created this. I had a vision. I wasn’t sure it was possible, and I made it happen.

Now, as I close out my year and begin anew, I move through a process that helps me acknowledge the seemingly small (but truly big) successes like this one, find compassion for the moments I went off course and set intentions for the year to come.

Here’s how it works:

1. Celebrate your wins.
Whether it’s closing a new client, getting a new job or promotion, defending your dissertation, starting your own business, getting married, getting divorced, surviving cancer—you are all out there doing incredible things. Make a list of all of the big things along with the smaller moments that somehow felt transformational. Honor them. Celebrate them. Notice the ways you brought your unique gifts to those accomplishments and how what others may see as failures could show up on your wins list.

2. Be grateful.
Who in your life has shown up for you this year, without even a request? What are the moments that felt like luck or some divine intervention? Spend time on an accounting of all the things you have that bring you joy. It may not be all you want in life, but take time to focus on what you may be taking for granted—like for some it could be good health. Think about all that your health affords you to do in your life and notice how that can minimize the want or the hunger for what you do not yet have.

3. Forgive yourself.
No, not everything went as planned. You lost your cool. You yelled. You fumbled in your moment to shine. But you’re also human, and humans are flawed (sorry to break this news). In order to forgive yourself for what did and didn’t happen in this past year, I recommend writing yourself a forgiveness letter. And go deep. What compassionate words would you use to calm yourself for saying that cruel thing to your friend out of jealousy or for not listening to your partner because you had to finish an email or for knowing a relationship was over, but letting it go on too long? How would you talk to a close friend about those things? When you feel like it’s complete, read it out loud. Feel the emotions. Let the tears flow. With acknowledgment and forgiveness (and frequent reminders of both), you can work to leave these things in your past and not use them as the foundation for your new year.

4. Choose a theme for the new year.
You may still be in holiday mode and not yet ready to plan out your 2019. That’s OK. Or maybe you’ve made New Year’s resolutions in the past that you gave up on somewhere between January 5th and 12th. Instead of that approach—I like to start my year off by choosing a word that will be my theme for the year. It can give you direction and help you choose how to move forward in your role or your business. It can also serve as your mantra in moments when you’re working towards a big change. I asked my daughters what they would choose as words to guide their 2019, and my seven year old jumped up and shouted, “Oh, I know mine! Except for food—ADVENTUROUS!” I can’t wait to see how this comes to be in her life, and I more than sort of hope that it does spill over into food.

As I do this reflection in my own life and then multiply it in my work with clients, the turning over of years has become one of the most simple and powerful rituals I use to gain clarity and momentum. It helps me to define what success looks like for me—knowing that my wins may sound either lofty or mundane to others—and that truly, none of that matters. In the spirit of my 2019 word, LISTEN, it prompts me to get quiet, observe, gather the clues and then alternate baby steps and giant leaps on my own unique path.

The mid-career and senior women leaders I work with have busy lives. Many of them are mothers, so in addition to their demanding full-time jobs, they’re also responsible for the lion’s share of the household management duties—what I like to call "the third job." They’re the primary communicators with the school and childcare professionals in their lives. They make sure dogs are walked, that everyone is dressed in clothing approaching the right size, and they figure out how to minimize the impact of the family tornado in their living quarters (although this is typically the first area to go in over-scheduled times).

When we dig into their values and priorities, one of the conflicts we uncover is that they are deeply committed to advancing women leaders and supporting the more junior women at their organizations, and yet they have no clue how they can add commitments into their lives without teetering into overwhelm.

There’s already no room in my life. How will I fit this in?

That’s when we look at the challenge in a new way. Pulling other women up doesn’t have to mean attending weekly networking events, taking on a mentor, creating your own Feminist Fight Club group (though that’s just plain fun) or securing a board position at a nonprofit. There are many new choices we can make WITHIN our existing work hours that will do more to support and advance women’s careers.

Here are 5 ways to get started:

1. Be generous with feedback.
It can be tough to give feedback, but it is a critical method of learning for adults—so it’s worth it. When you can offer both praise and critique for specific behaviors and actions, your employees and colleagues are given an opportunity to improve in their roles and also become less resistant to accepting feedback when it comes from other members of the team. Sometimes as women we fear not being "nice" when we give feedback. I turn that around to say: "You’re not being nice by withholding feedback that could be useful and advance someone’s career!"

2. Spread the love of office housework equitably.
How many meetings have you walked into where one of your male colleagues asks a woman at his level to put the bagels out on the tray? What’s so hard about dumping said bagels onto a flat surface? When you notice that the women on the team are always the ones who take notes at meetings, plan team outings or organize the giveaway tchotchke closet—speak up and let your male colleagues know they can/should also bear responsibility for these tasks. If you see women constantly volunteering for things like this, go back to step one and give them feedback. When women spend their extra time on these activities, they can miss an opportunity to step into more strategic work that could get them promoted, in turn thwarting our goal of getting more women into positions of power.

3. Call out bias when you see it.
Where there are humans, there is bias. We look at life through the lens of our own unique set of experiences, and with that our propensity is to create our future experiences based on what we know. That’s why it’s critical to have a diverse set of voices speaking at the same volume in the room—so we have a variety of lenses and data sets feeding into the greater whole. Too often, organizations don’t exhibit that level of diversity, and a culture of bias takes root that is tough to challenge and expose. But if you are a woman with a respected voice in an organization, and you see another woman being overlooked for a role or promotion because of some kind of bias, do the right thing—speak up. Share your POV with trusted male colleagues who will support you and stand with you to untangle these institutional biases.

4. Courageously be the model of work-life balance you want to create.
If you need to leave work at 5 to pick up your child at 6, if you’re managing a chronic health concern or you’ve set a goal to get your butt to the gym in the evening because it refuels you for the next day—honor your commitments. Those boundaries DO NOT make you less valuable. Have the hard conversations with your superiors about exactly what you need to perform at your best, and don’t feel you have to explain why. When you step into this courageous space of advocating for yourself and acknowledging your non-negotiables, you are clearing the path for other women to do the same. When the fear comes up in the asking, know that this is not only about you and your life—you’re taking a stand against the rigidity and face-time you’ve faced in your career while also paving the way for others to feel like it’s possible to succeed in both career and motherhood.

5. Participate in women’s networks when possible.
Some of the most rewarding moments of my digital marketing career came through my participation with the Women’s Network, WIN, at American Express. I connected with many more senior women than I ever would have in my role. Seeing them and learning from them helped me to see what was possible. If you are mid-career or a senior leader in an organization that has a women’s network, find some way to participate that resonates for you. You don’t need to volunteer to take on a second full-time job or plan the group’s largest event. You can speak on a panel, take part in speed mentoring or do your part to show that although we’re not there yet, it is possible to make strides toward equity and a meaningful career.

In order to make changes in our organizations, it’s critical to participate in a way that works for each of us individually. If you jump in up to your ears and raise your hand to run every powerful committee, you will burn out and resent the work. Choose a way to engage that will bring you energy and momentum—and also inspire you to sprinkle these same behaviors into other areas of your life. For me, this means listening to a room full of women who were flattened by their organization’s town hall featuring a panel of all white men and acknowledging "You’re right. Representation matters. Keep exposing what should be obvious by now. Continue to share your voices and find allies who will help you amplify them. This is possible. Let’s do it together." Because it is, and we will.