When we forget to choose ourselves

Last month, on a Tuesday, I had a scary morning. 

I came in from the (very short) morning walk with my dog, was about to prepare breakfast for myself and I took a sip of water. I felt some pain while drinking. Head rush. Grabbed the wall. 

The next thing I remember, I was sitting on my kitchen floor in a pool of spilled water, with my 14 year old daughter, Jane, asking me, “Are you ok? Do you know that you fell?” 

I came to… in shock, surprised to be sitting. Surprised to have no memory of what just happened. 

Jane led me to the couch where I slowly came back to myself. 

For the next hour, I started every sentence with, “I’m fine.” Which is pretty weird when you’re asking someone what they want for lunch. 

My plan: move through the day as if nothing happened. I mean. I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. 

I had several important meetings including kicking off a new group I’m leading with 11 accomplished and talented women. 

I decided to reach out to my doctor more for “a heads up” and for validation of my decision to forge forward with these mission critical meetings. 

That’s not what I got. 

She urged me to go to the ER to be checked out. The fact that I lost consciousness for a bit and that this had never happened before was enough for her to be concerned. 

My gut reaction: this is overkill and I don’t have time for this today. 

I called my brother in law who is an MD. Again, his response was the same. This is serious and you need to be seen. 

The seriousness of all the medical people started  to get me spooked, but I still felt a complete, full body resistance to walking away from my commitments. 

Then finally my neighbor and close friend gave me the reality check and tough talk I needed. 

Everyone will understand. You need to make yourself a priority. This is the most important thing right now. 

I canceled everything. 

Every single person on the other end showed up with compassion and warmth and understanding that I was doing the right thing. 

My friend walked me the two blocks to the hospital and the whole experience took 3 hours (happily several hours shorter than I imagined). 

And I was ok. A vasovagal response to the pain while drinking the water. That’s fancy medical terms for fainting. 

As I rested the rest of the day and evening, I didn’t shame the part of me that wanted to push through. That’s the culture we live in. I’m sure I’m not alone in this response and I want to believe that next time I will make a different choice as soon as something comes up. 

What I have been thinking about the most are my people. If you know you’re someone who will just push through–surround yourself with people who will not allow it. Who will help you choose yourself. 

From my family, to my friends to my business partners–everyone guided me and cleared the path for me to show up for myself. And I walked away both grateful and knowing of the kind of family, friend and business partner I want to show up to be.