In my business, every day is different. There’s writing, one-on-one client sessions via video and in-person, corporate workshops, email exchanges and business planning sessions.

Then, there’s the one variable in my day that raises its grade from productive to inspiring. For this mostly extroverted woman—that critical element is connection.

While I have grown to gravitate more towards my quiet time in recent years, I know my own recipe for feeling energized and grounded in something bigger than me is contained within conversations, collaborations and in listening deeply to another human’s perspective.
It took a couple of years for me to accept this information about myself, so early on in my business I spent many days drained, distracted and bewildered as to why I couldn’t get enough done when I had hours of allotted time.

I thought back to my corporate roles, to the times I would stare at a document all day, and the moments when I wanted to bang my head against the screen. At those times, I naturally stepped away from my laptop and went to invite a colleague to coffee or pop by the cube of someone else who looked like she needed a chat.

And it worked every time.

I was re-energized, refueled and able to forge forward with the task at hand. Now, four plus years in, I’ve happily infused my workday with these connection breaks.

It can look like:

A networking conversation with a colleague.

A mentoring chat with a new coach.

Lunch, coffee or a walk in the park with a friend.

A phone date with my California besties.

Or when I can’t get a hold of my real friends, I need to rely on those making significant audio contributions to my life. Sam Sanders, Krista Tippet, Oprah and Teri Gross, I’m looking at you! 

I once used my connection breaks as a reward for completing the tasks at hand, whether emailing, writing or building out workshop materials. But now, I’m finding a way to leverage the energy I get from my conversations and collaborations within my work. This inevitably reminds me of my gratitude for the freedom I have to be in control of my time, follow my own rhythm and listen to my intuition about how to structure my day. It’s a routine I’ve designed that allows me to be me AND be my most productive because of it.

With two kids and a business to run, I don’t travel a lot. That said, it’s something that I have been hungering for and have committed to do more of as part of my feeling good experiment. My girls are older and more adaptable, the business is far enough along where my disappearance for a week will not make an impact, and yet I’ve realized—it’s hard for me to separate.

From the clients I’m serving—what if they need me?

From the exciting programs focused on systemic change that I’m moving forward in organizations.

From the work that feels like play so much of the time.

With all of that in front of me, I know I need the vacation I’m about to take to get some sunshine and quality time with my family. Beyond needing it—I’m energized by thoughts of warmth, sun and relaxation right now.

I’ve come to realize, this is a situation where both things are true. I’m excited to travel AND I’m sad to leave my business (even for six days, which I know is not a long time!).

Knowing that this is where I am, I’m going to use the balanced approach to vacation boundaries that I share with my clients. Here is the simple principle behind it: you choose the lines that feel right for you, notice how you feel and tweak accordingly. This isn’t about how Instagram influencers tell you that you should refuel. You are in charge of your body and your life, and no matter what you choose—if it feels wrong, you will learn from it.

Here are the boundaries that work for me:

1. Get in front of client needs by reaching out 4-5 days prior to vacation to solicit questions that may come up while I’m gone, reminding everyone that I won’t be answering emails.

2. Check in once a day, but only respond with urgent matters. I decide what’s urgent.

3. Put an out of office message on for my email.

4. Write and schedule my newsletter prior to leaving (hello, from Punta Cana).

5. Be present. Relax. Read a novel. Have fun. If these things aren’t happening, make sure I’m keeping my commitments on the boundaries above.

It may sound a bit type A to create rules for a vacation, but with the backdrop of our cultural addiction to busyness and my own connection to my work, I’ve found it’s a way for me to practice having both things. Work I love AND recharge time. In writing those words, I build a bridge between the two with my gratitude to have both in my life.

In my coaching practice, I work with many women who are at the cusp of transitioning from operating on their own to leading capable teams.

They are independent contributors in corporate roles who were recently promoted.

Solopreneurs scaling up to the next level of their businesses.

Project owners taking on high stakes initiatives for the first time.

This is an uncomfortable moment in leadership for many. It requires releasing control. Stepping out of the tasks upon which you’ve built your reputation and moving into the unknown, the uncertain—exactly where you need to be to level up.

In fact, this is where I see many women get stuck on their career paths.

They spend their days in the nuts and bolts tasks and neglect the strategic work.

They micromanage.

They nurture their teams to a point where they protect everyone else’s time above their own.

They overwork themselves into overwhelm.

Whether they come to me after receiving feedback on their leadership style or when they are in a word—depleted—we begin to practice the art of delegation with these steps:

1. Build awareness of the resistance
In order to change your behavior, it helps to understand your motivation. Notice when you are holding onto tasks you know you should delegate and use your curiosity to probe further. What’s blocking you from releasing this work? Is it fear that your team will make mistakes? Or that you won’t be good at the more strategic work? Once you pinpoint your fear, you can acknowledge it and tailor your solution to move through it.

2. Define the tasks that MUST be you
Zero in on your strengths and even better—what is the subset of strengths that also brings you flow? In his book The Big Leap, Gay Hendricks calls this your Zone of Genius.  Once you’re clear on this, work to redesign your role or your business over time so that you are focusing on these things. Everything else is ripe for delegation. In my business, I learned early on that writing, coaching and networking must be me. I made a list of all the things I was doing besides those three and delegated where I could. It freed me up to focus on the areas of the business where I can bring my magic and release those that were draining me.

3. Think about growth for others
What is rote or draining for you can be a learning opportunity for someone on your team. Check in with your team about what energizes them and what they want to learn, and delegate accordingly. Many leaders say things like, "I don’t even have time to train my people." Part of this transition is moving from a short-term to a long-term mindset. Making this a priority now will save you time in the long-term and help to engage that employee you’re developing. And sometimes, when an employee is enthusiastic, he or she will be willing to go the extra mile for you when things get busy.

4. Set time parameters
Often managers fear that if they throw one more task onto their employees, their people will combust. So said managers take it on themselves. First, this may or may not actually be true. Often new leaders are much more protective of others’ time because they want to be nice or liked. One middle ground approach here is to delegate the task, but say, "I don’t want you to spend more than an hour on this." This way, the employee can create the first pass of the task that the leader can then review and edit—a way to cut the time at least in half.

As with most of my work with clients, the tactical components of delegating become easy and achievable once the mindset piece is addressed. On the individual level it requires navigating that inner critic voice that may be saying, "I should stick with the things I know how to do so I can deliver the most value." Or "I must check as many to do’s off my list as possible." While on the institutional level, it requires leaders and companies to think beyond the women on their teams excelling at only productivity and efficiency—getting shit done. It’s also about giving them opportunities to be strategic and innovative—and supporting them through this uncomfortable and yet expansive moment in their careers.

With my 2020 emphasis on peace in my life, I’ve been doing a fair amount of reading and podcast listening on the topic of "feeling good." As an entrepreneur, the world of content I often absorb is around hustle, busyness, and being a badass. To be honest, I’ve written pieces hailing two of those things.

Yet, I started off the year tired and in a quiet place. Ready to rebuild from an intense November and December, I knew I needed to focus more on self-care, but I didn’t want to do it in a way that impacted the success I was having professionally.

I am intrigued by the simple idea that focusing on my happiness and my energy will bring my business (and life) to the next level. There are some powerful voices out there using these words (and I’m all ears right now!), but there is also an undercurrent of muscle memory, passed down from generation to generation. Success comes from hard work. Period.

So, I decided to run an experiment. If I were to focus on feeling good in my life right now, what would that look like?

1. Complain (a lot) less
For a woman with a superpower of optimism and a job to inspire people, I’ve become aware that when things are not going my way, I complain...a lot. And by the way, I really don’t like that about myself! That said, as with most humans, I have had some legitimate reasons to complain earlier in life, and it became a habit. I’ve even mastered a way to make people laugh while I’m complaining so I’m inspired to keep it going. Laughter aside, I know it extends the pain. I don’t learn anything new from it and it doesn’t bring me the things I want. All reasons to become mindful of it and actively work on quieting that part of me. It doesn’t feel quite possible to eliminate it all together, but I know minimizing it will make a big difference in my mindset.

2. Carefully curate my relationships
In the past month, I’ve prioritized setting up time with the people I love, those who continue to inspire me and those who I don’t know well—but bring me energy. And on the flip side, I’ve graciously excused myself from groups and people who drain me and don’t meet the criteria for my inner circle. Advocating for my own energy and mental health in this way has been one of the most freeing boundary setting exercises of my experiment.

3. Create a buffer of compassion
Some days are better than others here, but for the most part—I’ve given myself more time to do most things. Time between meetings, extra allotted commuting time (which inevitably makes trains run faster), and longer walks with my dog. More importantly, I use this buffer with my self-talk. When I notice I’m criticizing the way I acted, something I said, or let’s face it—as a woman—my body, I have been using this approach of giving myself "a wide berth." Extra space and love to counteract perfectionism and quiet the noise of what others may think.

4. Pay attention to my body
As someone who has never been into sports or incredibly athletic, I can go through busy periods of life where I nearly forget about my body.  I am all thinking, feeling and autopilot—and then something steps in (like a cold or January)—to remind me there’s an entire part of my being I’m neglecting. A part that contains wisdom. Since the new year, I’ve been going to a new fitness class that is on-brand with the creative brief for where I am right now. Challenging, inspiring, gentle and compassionate. And each time I go and sit for the short meditation at the end, it feels like a gift and a space to let go of what everyone else needs from me.

How’s the experiment going, you may ask? The answer is—I’ve had the best January of my business to date. I’m working less and making more. I’m engaged in igniting conversations with organizations tied to my mission of getting more women into positions of power. I’m creating women’s programs focused on systemic change. And on top of all that—I feel at peace. This makes life more fun for me—and it makes me more fun for the people who love me. With all of that early evidence, I am still curious about what else is possible—so the experiment happily continues.

While I primarily coach women in sharpening leadership skills and navigating job searches, I’m currently supporting several men in these efforts. They typically come to me via referral and I joke with them and those referring that if they make it through my uber female-focused website, they’re my kind of guys. Reflective, open, willing to be vulnerable and uncomfortable. Coachable.

I know some women in my audience—having fought for every role, every relationship within their network, every dollar they earn—may look at this headline and think, "Cry me a river. White men hoard the power in this country. If you’re a white man, what’s wrong with you that you haven’t figured this out?"

And that’s exactly the sentiment my clients are met with on their searches, in their networking and even within their families. If they don’t come out of the gate radiating clarity and confidence—the sniff test is often unforgiving.

That’s why, when I work with male clients, we name the sexism at play and call out the systemic issues that they need to understand and confidently move through as they navigate their search.

In our work, here are some of the stereotypes we call out:

1. If men take career breaks to raise children (or parental leave for that matter!), it’s a red flag that they weren’t "good workers" or "successful" in their careers prior to having kids.

2. Regardless of whether their partners work, men are still considered the "earners" in the relationship, so when they are not in a position to bring in money, they can offer little else to the partnership and to their communities. 

3. Financially, the approach must be linear. They must stay on their career tracks to increase their salaries and if they take less money or stay the same in order to make a transition—it can appear weak, unambitious or impulsive.

While I know that these biases are present in the workforce and come up for my clients, the overwhelming focus is on others and external noise. That’s my cue to hold up the mirror so they can see what drives, motivates and differentiates them as human beings of any gender. Stereotypes take over when your mental game is not strong, when you’re unclear of your story and your intentions for how you want to design your career and your life.

So, that’s where we begin. In order to navigate this landscape, the men who work with me must be open to diving into their values and their priorities for the life they want to build. Once that’s clear, it can become the new narrative propelling them forward. It can be what inspires them to leap the landmines that are still present—but are beginning to feel like opportunities to strengthen resilience and resolve.

Clients come to me at all stages of their job search.

From the beginning as they brainstorm what’s next while they’re in roles they like.

To the post figuring-it-out moment where they’re reworking how they’ll position themselves for specific opportunities.

To the dreaded—I’ve been searching for a year. I’ve done everything. Met everyone. And I still don’t have a job.

As you can imagine, the last scenario is the most challenging. And it’s not because these folks are unemployable. Many in this category are talented, skilled and highly marketable candidates. But there’s one thing that separates them from their less experienced counterparts who are swimming in potential opportunities.

Persistent and punishing self-judgement.

The judgement has a wide spectrum of flavors:

What’s wrong with me that I was laid off after working so hard for so many years?

I’m [insert arbitrary age]! Why don’t I have this figured out by now?!

I WILL NOT let myself take a walk or have lunch with a friend until I’ve sent out 5 resumes today—even if I’m sending them to companies where I have zero contacts.

My family needs my income and I’m letting them down.

It’s never going to happen for me. Never.

When I hear these harsh words I know—sure there could be some tweaking of an elevator pitch or a resume, but that’s not what’s holding up the process. The change that MUST be made—and the one that will make all the difference—is a mindset shift.

Here’s a path to making this change:

1. It starts with awareness: noticing the judgmental moments as they arise. What are the physical symptoms you feel when you are punishing yourself?

2. Think about what you would say to a younger version of you or a child in your life who is berating his or herself in this way. Something that is compassionate, forgiving and loving. One example that I came up with for myself on a personal front recently is, "Kindness FTW."

3. Next, practice. As many times as you can muster during the first 24 hours, then a week, then ongoing, replace your negative thoughts with your compassionate words.

4. Breathe through it.

5. Notice where you have resistance. Either via free writing, talking to friends or professionals, begin to investigate where that resistance may come from and where it may have held you back in the past.

6. Keep on going with your search while looking for shifts in how you’re feeling, or new results you’re getting with this approach. What’s possible now?

While you may not get the job within the first week of making this change (though in some cases you may), one immediate result is that you will begin to feel better. Once you release the pressure, you can give yourself permission to do the things that bring you joy before (or instead of) sending resumes into the ether. You will begin to rewrite the narrative about why this has taken the amount of time it has at the age that you are. Perhaps that story includes the opportunity to make this very shift in how you show up for yourself. Once you regain control of your story, you can begin to see that this IS possible for you. It will happen. And that’s when it does.

Fifteen years ago, when my (now) husband and I sat down to plan our wedding, we agreed—the first step we needed to take was obvious.

In order to come up with the answers for what kind of wedding we wanted to have, we needed to ask the right questions.

And so, as two marketers making our union official—we wrote a creative brief. Romantic, I know.

In our brief, we asked:

• What’s our goal?

• What would make the wedding feel like a success?

• How do we want the celebration to make us feel?

• What feelings do we want to bring out in our people?

• And by the way…who are our people and who are they to us?

• What adjectives would we use to describe what we want to create?

The brief kept us on task, on-brand and in lock step as a couple throughout the planning process. When families, vendors or random people with opinions pushed too hard on their hopes and dreams for the event, we always came back to the brief. It was a reminder of our intention to build something together that was authentically us. Not just the wedding. The marriage.

We’ve come back to this approach various times in our lives. After the births of both of our daughters, we wrote briefs on how we wanted those first postpartum weeks to feel. Everyone seemed to fall in line except for the babies. Go figure.

Now, in my work with clients in career transitions, I use the creative brief for a fresh look at what they want to build in this next chapter, asking:

• What will success look like in your career, right now, in this stage of your life?

• Why are you doing this work?

• What problems in the world do you want to solve?

• Who do you want to help?

• How are you uniquely positioned to do this work?

• Who’s on your support team? Who’s not?

• How do you want to feel on a typical day in your work?

• How do you want to make others feel?

• If your work had a single message, what would it be?

• What’s the tone of how that message is delivered?

• What are your non-negotiables in your work? And your nice-to-haves?

I have come to appreciate using the career creative brief in my own work and business because as I discuss often, I like ideas. I’m prone to epiphanies. I fall in love…a lot. The brief helps me focus and gives me criteria for evaluating my ideas. It gives me a way to either connect them to what I want—or to say, "Yes, that is a clever idea, but I’m not going to be the one to bring it to life." Writing a brief is a way for you to declare—this is what you want and who you want to be in your work. And it’s a way to remind you of this unique design when you act like a human and veer off your path.

I’m the kind of woman who typically likes to kick start the year with a bang.

A big commitment.

An unthinkable goal.

A vow to turn things upside down.

That said, I don’t practice the art of resolution-making. Instead, I choose a word that will be my organizing principle for the year.

My focus, my mantra.

This year, for a multitude of reasons, my word is PEACE.

It has already influenced my approach to life as I step into the first week of this new decade.

My brain is not currently flooded with dozens of topics for new posts and pieces I want to share with you. Instead, I’ve had a few moments over the past two weeks where I sat down to write, and nothing appeared. Blank mind. Blank page. Nothing.
I did not go to a dark place. I chose to believe I truly needed a break. A refuel. Time to go out and be with the people I love. To experience life and be inspired.

I gave myself permission to simply be where I am: in a slow beginning.

To see the meticulously planned new year’s marketing barrages and authoritative voices of every other coach in my industry—and to absorb an authentic, confident message that I’m not there. I’m in a quiet place.

While most companies in our midst are egging us on to make quick and drastic changes because it’s January, I know that thoughtful, consistent and gradual shifts are what cause lasting transformation.

It’s okay if you don’t have your goals for the year mapped out yet.

First comes the thinking and the space for you. Next comes the goals that are true to where you are in this moment, and not where every “new year, new you” campaign tells you that you should be.

As I’m experiencing this year, easing in is an absolutely valid and respectable way to start. Without the pressure of exploding out of the gate, the ideas are beginning to flow again. I can see that there’s an endless supply when I listen to what I truly need. And for right now, peace is my guide to finding it.