How to ask for what you want...(with examples!)

Early in my coaching process, I work with clients on their non-negotiables.
​What are the five things they need to make this next role feel meaningful, successful and on their terms?

Defining the kind of organizational culture they’re seeking (ie. collaborative, casual, no assholery) or the level of flexibility they need (ie. hybrid, remote, or simply to be treated like a grownup) often come up on the list.

It’s helpful to have this criteria in your back pocket as you’re evaluating opportunities. And – it’s critical that you vet out for these things in your networking and interviewing.

The question I often get is - How do I ask for these things without sounding like an entitled jerk?

After I stare down our Capitalist, Patriarchal, Hustle Culture with an invitation to fight this round, I take a deep breath.

I understand.

We have been taught to be grateful for what we get and not ask for more. Even when what we are given is not working or not enough.

The good news is that we can be clever and play the game without ever using the words want or need. That marketing background never disappoints.

Here are a couple of phrases you can use that are positive, confident – and also matter of fact.

"I thrive…"

I thrive in organizational cultures where there’s downtime between meetings to do the deep work that is so important in my role. Is that how you would describe the culture here?

Or

I thrive when I can give and receive feedback often so that I can continue to learn quickly in my role. Is that how you would describe your leadership style?

"I am my most…"

I am my most creative when I can brainstorm in a room of colleagues and it feels safe to pull all ideas (even the out there ones) on the table. Is that how you would describe the culture on the team?

Or

I am my most focused and thoughtful when I can work hard during the day and then log off completely to recharge after 6:30. Is that the kind of work day that’s understood and respected here?

I love all of these examples because they imply –

I’ve had this before so I know it’s possible.
If you don’t have it here, I will keep looking until I find it.

Now, just because you have these lines written out doesn’t mean it’s easy to say them. I would practice so you remember hearing them in your voice and perhaps write an abridged version of your questions on a cheat sheet if you have a virtual interview.

You know I love an update so let me know how it goes!