We discussed mindset shifting tools in my group coaching program this week. I like to dive into this topic early in the process because it’s often mental blocks that are keeping us stuck, rather than more tactical things like resumes and interview skills.

One of my favorites in this set of tools is forgiveness.

Identifying areas where you may be holding shame and offering up acknowledgment and compassion and forgiveness.

I often talk about how this shame showed up for me when I knew I wanted to make a change while in my marketing roles, but felt like I should stay in a safe, flexible role because I had two small children. I stayed in an “it’s fine” career for too long, even while I hungered for a change.

The truth is that this feeling of career shame wasn't new to me. I felt it even before I had a career.

College was not an easy time for me. I struggled to find my way. I transferred after two years, switched my major FIVE times and nearly took time off after my junior year. Finally, I decided to identify my easiest path to graduation and took it--rather than spending the time expanding my mind, learning, growing and challenging myself to think in new ways about what was possible for my future.

I held onto tremendous shame about this period of my life for many years.

Feeling like I squandered an opportunity.

Like I wasn’t smart enough or built for grad school.

Like I learned in pockets here and there, but don’t remember much.

After some deep work thinking about that kid I used to describe as flailing…

I now see her as a human who was grieving.

As you may remember, my parents died in a car accident when I was nearly 12 and while college came several years after this loss, I see now with adult eyes--I was in acute grief, untethered and in survival mode.

I did the best I could. So did all of the grownups surrounding me who were also grieving.

Would I do things differently with my own kids? Absolutely. I would love them where they are. I would advocate for their mental health needs knowing that achievement and credentials can wait. And that’s how I continue to re-parent that part of me.

I acknowledge her struggle. I show her forgiveness and compassion and love. I cheer her on for trying new things where she’s not an immediate expert. I remind her that lifelong learning is what keeps my mind active and alive. I can both fill in some of the gaps of what I may have missed and learn new skills that weren’t even invented at that time.

I can also be grateful that she/I prioritized putting one foot in front of the other in that tough moment. That I got the support I needed. That I was optimistic more would open up for me after graduation. And it did.

What shame are you holding onto in your career and in your life?
Where can you show that younger you some acceptance of her humanity? Some love? She’s ready and willing and very curious about what may come next.

In 2016, you did some powerful, courageous and generous things. You also did some stupid, petty and mindless things. I know this because I did too. 

You were empathetic. 
You were mean. 
You were present. 
You started every sentence in the hour before your child’s bedtime with “Don’t.”

Yes, we did that. 

Now, you have two choices about how to move forward. 

Option 1: 
Forget about all the times you nailed it and instead stew and ruminate on why you can’t seem to be a good wife, husband, leader, parent, daughter, son, caregiver or [insert one of a thousand roles you play on a daily basis]. 

Option 2: 
Acknowledge all the ways you kicked 2016’s butt AND all of the ways you failed/were human. Reflect and learn from both. Repeat. 

I know Option 1 sounds like a joke, but you’d be by surprised how many people close out every year by choosing it! When you do choose it, you bring all of that guilt and anger into your brand spanking New Year. As my best girlfriend from childhood would say, “That’s a lot of luggage!” You don’t want to drag an LV trunk worth of negativity into 2017! What a way to cancel out opportunities that await. 

Instead, I ask my clients to choose Option 2 and do this exercise to complete their year. 

1) Block out some quiet time where you won’t be disturbed. (Often the toughest part!)
2) Write a letter to yourself where you:

• Name your 2016 wins—big and small. Whatever is meaningful to you.
• Forgive yourself for things you wish you had done better AND for the things you wanted to do, but didn’t. 
• Be kind, be generous and be accepting of yourself. Treat yourself as you would a close friend or your child. Understanding. Loving. Laughing with instead of at.

2) Read it aloud.
3) Leave your luggage on the stoop. You need to make space for new, exciting and creative ideas, friend. 

Now that you've given 2016 a proper sendoff, add one New Year's toast to Option 2. Onward!