Whether you're in a career transition, a new role, leading an awe-inspiring project that secretly makes you want to throw up from all of the responsibility it brings, or in the middle of a sudden crisis—one thing is clear—in order to get to the other side, you're going to need support. It's clear to me because I've been both the giver and receiver of that help and I know how I thrive on both ends, but I see many of my clients struggle with the smallest of professional asks. 

Do you writhe in discomfort when you are faced with asking for the following things?

• Introductions to hiring managers in your target companies
• Quick conversations with former colleagues who have interesting roles you might like
• Chats about your consulting services to see if they may fill a need
• Time with a mentor who has the most seemingly busy life you could imagine, but always finds a way to inspire you with five minutes of satiating wisdom

To quote Helen Keller, "Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much." You can only get so far with simply your own perspective, your own expertise, your own knowledge and your own relationships. In order to push the boundaries of what you can create for your life, you must ask for help. And I have good news for you. People want to help! If that's the case, what's really stopping you? Here are the questions I ask my clients to help them work through whatever is blocking them from asking for support. 

1. What's the worst thing that could happen?
Often clients have a breakthrough (and a good laugh at themselves) after just this question. The fear that is stopping you feels so strong and paralyzing and when you look at the worst-case scenario, it sounds like this: "He won't write me back." Yeah, and…can you handle that? How many people have not emailed you back or answered your LinkedIn requests before? Have you been able to move on from it? Can I get a "Yes, many and yes?" When that happens, you brush yourself off and ask someone else. People are busy. They go on vacations. They experience crunch times before a deadline. If they don't write you back, it's most likely not about you and they may get back to you a month later. 

2. How do you feel when you are asked? 
If you're anything like me, you feel honored to be asked for support and you feel good about yourself when your help makes an impact in that person's life. If a request comes in during a busy time, I make sure I tell that person to make it as easy as possible for me to help—whether it's writing an email that I can forward to someone or meeting me for a coffee close to my office. In remembering how you feel when you're on the receiving end of a request, you can better imagine that the person on the other end of your ask may be feeling the same things you do…instead of all of the nasty things your mind is saying about you right now (that we'll discuss in #3). 

3. What do you think asking for help says about you?
I'm needy. I don't have my shit together. I'm flakey. These are a few of the common answers I hear to this question. Let me make an important distinction for you. If you dump a problem on someone (who is not in your inner circle) without a specific request in mind, you could be perceived in all of those ways I mentioned. But if you have identified something you want, found a person who may have it and reach out with a specific request that is easy to complete—you appear to be someone who is quite the opposite of that needy, flailing person. You are focused and actively engaged in making choices that will change your life—and in the process you're reconnecting with people you respect and admire. Reframing is your friend, friends. 

Of course, when you get to the conversation or when you get the job, express your gratitude to the helpers in question. Notice how they feel about what they did and if they comment on how it felt to be asked. Often you will find that they are impressed with the initiative you took and the thought with which you put into the request. File this comment and that feeling away for your next ask. It will be your first line of defense against the writhing that comes along with not doing it all yourself. 

Perfectionism. You tout it on interviews as one of your greatest strengths. While hailing its name, you follow your kids around the house with a microfiber cloth and your favorite cleaner—Method Cucumber Surface Spray (been there!). You give it all the credit after delivering a project on time and on budget (without giving it the credit for hours of belaboring over emails and colors and words and serial commas not to mention what everyone on the team will think of the emails and colors and words and serial commas). It’s the reflection by which you measure your body, your relationships, your work and your joy. Yes, even your joy! 

We dutifully worship at the altar of perfectionism—but to what cost? How is perfectionism holding you back? Here’s a short list (that is by no means exhaustive) of the top areas of your life that are impacted by your perfectionist ways. 

1. Productivity
You may think that by telling your boss you’re a perfectionist, he’s going to give you a high achiever award. You’re wrong. What he’s really thinking is, “She’s never going to get anything done.” Among leaders, perfectionism is seen as a weakness and not a strength (so choose something else for that upcoming interview!). When you’re caught in the grips of delivering the unattainable—a perfect product or service—you can choose to make the perfection a priority over meeting a deadline, customer need or addressing a financial cost. This a lose-lose scenario that will dramatically impact your relationships and reputation over time. 

2. Confidence
“Never good enough” is the rallying cry of the perfectionist. In thinking and living this mantra, over time you can widdel your confidence down to a tiny, thirsty sapling. Its thirst is for praise and validation that only comes from external sources and when it does, it is deflected with self-criticism, so it is never truly satisfied. This damaged confidence hinders your ability to trust your intuition, thus you begin to second-guess your every decision and can be left paralyzed. 

3. Peace
How calm can you feel when negativity is jabbing at you all day, when nothing you do or produce feels worthy, when the thought of someone noticing the tiny hole in your sweater feels like the nagging pebble in your boot on a 12 mile hike? The answer is obvious -- and yet, we continue on this path where we believe we will find our peace and calm once we meet our goal of the perfect job or the perfect body or finding the perfect life partner. Then, we will deserve to feel peaceful! Well, sadly if this is your approach, you will be waiting an eternity or until that moment you learn that you can choose the peace you want to feel no matter where you are on the path to your achievement. In fact, I would say that it’s near impossible to achieve that thing without this realization and without a commitment to choose peace on the regular. 

4. Connection
Here’s a funny little secret: people are drawn to imperfection. Lucky for me, people tend to like quirky personalities! According to the sage Brené Brown, “Imperfections are not inadequacies; they are reminders that we’re all in this together.” The quirks, the flaws or as the late Robin Williams labels them in Good Will Hunting—the peccadillos—they make you interesting and relatable and memorable. When you try to hide those things under a thinly veiled perfectionist standard, you’re missing out on deeper connections and relationships that are frankly more fun! 

5. Love
Often times when we hold ourselves to an unattainable standard, we don’t stop there. We can hold our partners to this standard as well, and to better understand how this makes them feel, please see numbers 1-4, above. In a nutshell, it makes them feel unappreciated, unworthy and unloved. Harsh, yes, but also accurate. It’s a surefire way to get them to back off from being vulnerable with you, as you may have done with them in an effort to hide your own imperfections. When this happens on both ends it can mean the beginning of a distance that must be addressed before the gap becomes too wide upon which to build bridges. 

Are you convinced or are you still hanging onto your habit with a vice grip? I’m a fan of experiments that produce small wins. Choose one area of your life this week where you can practice letting go of your perfectionism and see what happens. My dad used to call those holes in his sweaters, “air conditioning” and it’s one of the memories of him that always makes me smile. What are your peccadillos and how are you going to turn them into your superpowers starting right now? 

When I was pregnant with my older daughter, I knew I wanted to take six months off. I knew financially the six months was a beautiful gift for which we had saved and planned—but that I could not take longer than that timeframe. My income was a necessity for our family equation. I was prepared for this reality, but often lamented and shared with friends my sadness that I did not have the choice to stay at home full-time as my mother had. I had enjoyed a successful career in digital marketing, but the excitement for this next chapter, this chance to be a mom—something I'd dreamed about since being a child playing house—was my first priority and consumed my every thought. 

Then I gave birth to my daughter, my love, who came out of the womb with a big heart and a strong will. I adored my life of caring for this new and curious creature, but around month four, something unexpected happened. I yearned to talk to former colleagues about projects and have conversations that didn't include topics like the color of poop and the number of ounces anyone drank in one sitting. At a time I thought I would be mourning my dwindling leave, I was strategizing about the people I could talk with so that I could land a more flexible role. It was then that I realized that we are all wired differently, unaware of how we will react or the decisions we will make until living in and through a situation. And that's okay. I had to do what would be right for me as a mother. I needed to work and I also wanted to work. That was good information for me! What's critical is that I didn't make myself feel bad about my realization. I was going to be a happier parent if I was working. 

In my practice, I coach many clients who have made the opposite decision, taking a break from their careers when becoming parents. I admire and respect that they have made the decision that is right for them and their families. That said, I hear and see many of the challenges they face when returning. Some are internal challenges, yes—and after our work together—they kick those issues to the curb. But some are realities of our culture that they wish they'd known before taking their break. Even with this knowledge, I still believe this could be a viable option for you, but I want you to go in with the data and the understanding of what may be meeting you on the other end. 

So if you're thinking of taking a career break after becoming a parent, here are the things I'm compelled to share: 

1. Go beyond finances and consider your identity
Often I hear stay at home moms say something like, "It didn't make sense for me to work because my salary would simply cover the cost of childcare and we would break even." If you've run the numbers, that may be true in the short-term. We'll talk about long-term financial impact later, but for now it's important to note that pre-kids, much of our identity is interwoven with our careers. For many that have college and graduate degrees and then years of intense careers under their belts—bringing that path to a grinding halt can be traumatic, no matter how in love with their children they are. If you and your partner are making a decision to take a break solely for financial reasons, I would push you to consider how this will affect your happiness and well-being—given who you have been and your priorities to date. I would also suggest you work with a financial planner who can help you create a model that is longer term. You may be able to get creative and figure out a way to stay in the game in some way if that's what you desire. 

2. All or nothing are not your only options
While the fast and rigorous pace of your current role may not be what you want for when you become a parent—it doesn't mean there aren't other options out there for you. I went from working long hours at a fortune-100 company, to leveraging my most marketable skills three days a week for a non-profit. I eventually ramped up my hours, but for a temporary period while my kids were young, I was able to stay in the game, continue to learn and get paid what I believed I was worth. If your concerns are around, not being able to "do it all", let me put this to bed for you. You will not be able to do it all, no matter what option you choose. Flexible options are tougher to find, but they're out there and what's nice is that you can create them by leveraging the strong network you've built to date. 

3. Keep at least a toe in
Thanks to companies supporting women returning to the workforce sprouting up all the time, I'm happy to say the tides are turning. A career break on a resume is becoming more of an accepted and even overlooked phenomena. That said, companies are still looking to see that you were doing something professional during this break. Whether you're starting your own website or doing freelance writing or volunteering with the PTA—you'll do yourself a solid if there's something that can be added to this timeframe on your resume. More importantly —beyond your resume— doing something professional during this time will move mountains for your confidence and what I call your career mojo (that feeling you have when ideas are flowing and there's momentum on your career path). One of the first things I ask clients to do if they're considering a return to the workforce is to take on a project or some professional work to get their confidence and career mojo back. See my post – To Re-Enter The Workforce in 2017, Do These Three Things. 

4. Your lifetime earning potential will shift
According to Samantha Ettus, author of The Pie Life: A Guilt-Free Recipe for Success and Satisfaction, "18 percent of future earnings disappear if moms leave the workforce for a year, and that increases to 39 percent for two years, according to research…Most couples calculate the lower earner's annual salary compared to the annual cost of child care…The real equation is the lower earner's income from now until retirement, compared to five years of child-care costs." It's important to take a long-term view of the picture rather than a snapshot in time, the moment your child is born. A women's lifetime earning potential has become critically important as women are statistically living longer lives than their partners and are left to manage the household finances, requiring more money to manage their care as they age. As I've said, this does not need to be a deal breaker for you if your decision is to stay home, but it is good for you to know and weigh as a factor in your decision. 

5. Prioritize self-care and confidence
As moms, we're constantly doing for everyone else and making ourselves the last priority. As a result, many of the women I see are overwhelmed, exhausted and depleted. Often for stay at home moms, they can feel guilty for not bringing in an income so they feel like they need to be productive every minute of the day, constantly doing for the family -- which rarely includes care for themselves. As you may have experienced in certain times of your life, when you give up on exercise, mostly clean eating and doing the things that bring you joy or make you feel like you—your confidence can plummet. Taking steps to get support whether it's with friends or professionals, can be a huge part of bolstering your confidence. If you think you may want to return to work at some point, keep up with former colleagues and your network throughout your break. Feeling like you'll need to start from scratch when you return is one of the things that can keep you paralyzed during your search. 

Whatever you choose, it's important that you and your partner are on the same page, checking in with each other from time to time to see if your current arrangement is working for both of you and your family. If you're not open, resentments can and will grow. Know that returning to work after a break is absolutely an option. It simply takes some time, support, thoughtful vetting of the right next role and a belief that you can create your version of having it all. 

You know those days when you're firing on all cylinders. You've had three brilliant ideas before 9:30 am AND you've executed on all of them. You're in the middle of patting yourself on the back when Bob walks over to your desk. Heart racing, palms sweating, expletives lining up in your brain for battle. Bob. Bob is the designated "difficult personality" at your place of business. He's not your boss, but he's confrontational, dismissive and aggressive. He leaves you feeling like a pile of poo underfoot after each interaction. 

Sometimes Bob is a George or a Julie or a Mitch or Leslie, but no matter who this person is for you—it's important to realize that whether you're navigating one of these difficult personalities right now or you have in the past—Bob will try to throw you off your game at some point in your future, too. So, now is exactly the right time to learn how to confidently step up your game with Bob and his counterparts. 

Here are some of the ways I turn my Bob interactions into opportunities to me make me a stronger, more resilient leader. 

1. Lead with empathy
Bob's way of being (which sometimes includes being a total ass) stems from his life experiences and events. If he needs to resort to this kind of behavior during his daily interactions, it's safe to assume he may have gone through some hard things, or has not yet developed the self-awareness muscle required in nurturing deep relationships. While it's not your job to fix these things, know that his behavior is not about you and understand that his projected overpowering strength comes from a place of vulnerability. Leading with empathy can help remind you that Bob is human and flawed which in turn diffuses your interactions and minimizes anxiety that can spark from those interactions on both ends. 

2. Get energized
If you have a planned meeting with Bob, do whatever you do to get your energy up to peak performance level. To quote one of my coaching mentors who helped me prep for a meeting with a Julie, "You need to do whatever you do to show up as a fierce athlete on the field." For me this included a 2-mile sprint, listening to Sara Bareilles "Brave" at volume 9 and reminding myself of my badassness with a few powerful words. When I showed up to my meeting with Julie, I didn't sink into my seat and wait for the tirade. I matched her energy verbal punch for punch and I was amazed to see the dramatic shift in our dynamic. I didn't give her a window to doubt, criticize or second-guess. I saw respect in her eyes for the first time in our relationship. Think of the things that you do to get yourself psyched up for your top form. Many of my clients do Amy Cuddy's Power Posing, come up with a mantra, dance it out to a song, EXERCISE, visualize themselves as their superhero alter-ego (hello Sasha Fierce!) or whatever other quirky option fits their personalities. 

3. Boundary up! 
One of Bob's special tricks is the sneak attack. He comes over to your cube for an unannounced, unscheduled visit to discuss something that you don't currently have time to discuss. This is a dominating move that says, "My time is more important that yours" and "I need to have answers right now without giving you time to think, giving you little chance to succeed." He's standing and you're still sitting—thus continuing the power dynamic he's put in place. No time for a quick Power Posing session or even some jumping jacks before you step into the ring. The first thing you MUST do is stand up. With this body language, you begin to reclaim your power. Then, it's completely within your right to take a deep breath and say, "Bob, I'd like to give this the time it deserves and now is not that time. Let's schedule a meeting to discuss this so we can come together with some thoughtful solutions." This is just one example of the myriad of ways you can set boundaries with Bob. When you keep it professional and engage in interactions with him on your terms, you invite less of his antics into your working relationship. 

4. Don't take it personally, but seize the opportunity to learn
You didn't install Bob's buttons or program his behavior. If you take a step back, you'll quickly notice that you're not the only target. Take comfort in the realization that his choices are not about you. You're confident in your professionalism and your ability to build relationships. But—we can all do better, so use your relationship with Bob as an opportunity to upgrade how you're conducting yourself. What are you doing to invite his behavior or show that you will engage at his level? With tips 1-3, how can you stop escalating your interactions with Bob? How can you project the confidence that doesn't allow you to be one of Bob's many victims? 

5. Celebrate small wins
Just as you will have empathy for Bob in this process, have some compassion for yourself, as well. You're learning to advocate for yourself. This takes practice and won't happen overnight. When you stand up during a cube sneak attack or set up a brief in-person meeting after his explosive email (with 20 VIP players cc'd) instead of engaging in global thermo-email war—give yourself a mental high five! With each new confident action, you're building up a portfolio of boss-ness that will stack the evidence against your internal doubts and fears. 

While this approach is intended for colleagues and not bosses, the truth is—if Bob is your boss much of this still applies. Boundaries may be trickier because at the end of the day, you need to fall in line with the chain of command. That said, anyone who's had a great leader knows that they have the generosity and respect to find comfort and growth in a relationship with boundaries. More to the point, if Bob is your boss and you've tried many tools (including these) to up-level the relationship with little success, it's time to kick-start the search again. It's hard to do your best work and stay engaged in your role when you're constantly working against a toxic boss. Continue to learn from your experience with Bob while you're searching and keep energizing yourself so that you can nail those interviews and be the star you know you are (no matter what Bob says). 

We all have that friend or some of us have several. She found her calling AND she has the time to make Pinterest-inspired projects with her kids that don't go directly in the trash. He's received three promotions in three years and he just ran his fifth marathon. What the what? She became a career coach at the same time as you and she's already been on every podcast under the sun (all hypothetical, people!). 

When we begin to compare ourselves to these seemingly perfect people, we only see the good stuff. And with social media inundating us with updates every moment and in every direction, we can't escape these perfectly Instagram-able lives that frankly, make us want to call it a day. But you can't. And you won't. Not on my watch, friends!

Here are three ways I've helped clients kick the career comparisons habit in exchange for a life they're proud to be living. 

1. Recognize the perfection is perceived
I coach impressive, high achieving, polished humans—who have fears and flaws. This work has reminded me that no matter what your title is, where you went to school or how perfectly adjusted your child may seem in public—you inevitably have fears and flaws—they simply appear in different ways for different people. And when you see the social media posts that make you want to hurl, remember—you're seeing the visual version of that person's elevator pitch. They've packaged this nugget for you and thousands of followers with filters and multiple takes. These snaps are not their lives. They are mere moments in a mix of ups and downs that makes up a human life. In knowing this, I've grown my capacity for empathy and compassion for others that instantly removes the power of comparisons when they arise. It still takes reminding myself, because again—I'm human with fears and flaws—but with practice, I'm able to get myself out of that insecure, comparative place quicker than I ever thought was possible. 

2. Lead with curiosity
If you keep running into someone who seems like she's got it going on, the odds are that there's more to it than what you're seeing. Instead of stewing in comparisons, ask her how she got to where she is? Set up time with her for coffee or a drink so you can dig into hearing her story, the obstacles she's overcome, how she overcame those challenges and where she gets her support and inspiration. There's so much you can learn from this person who you've already admitted has something you want. The moment we turn the comparative energy into an opportunity to learn, we can get into action around creating the kind of lives we want—instead of scolding ourselves for what we don't have. 

3. You do you
You don't want what he has. Right now, you think you do, and I get that. Truly, you want what YOU want, but the trick is figuring out what that is! Often when I see people struggling with comparisons, it's because they haven't done the internal reflection or the experimenting to figure out what it is that they, themselves want for their careers or their lives. This can be a process where you accept a period of uncertainty and "not knowing" — and you may go through it several times in your life—but it's a critical piece of living a life where you feel authentically who you are. When you are living someone else's dream, whether it's safe or brings you a ton of cash or esteem—it will always feel hollow. But if you take risks and experiment with different paths only to stumble on one that feels right and then begin to gain momentum and connect with a part of you that you didn't know existed—take it from me—there's no better feeling. 

Now that you have this framework, when your next comparison arises, I challenge you to ask yourself, "How can I learn from this person?" Or "What can I do to better connect with what I want in MY life right now?" And even better, "How can I look at this person as human, with fears and flaws?" Notice how you begin to take back your power (and don't be so quick to give it up next time)! 

When the Sunday night stomach churn expands through the entire weekend. When you embody the "Yes Man or Woman" you've always despised, because having a point of view feels futile. When anger turns to hopelessness and you return home each day, a pile of mush—hungry for comfort food, Sauvignon Blanc, and your reality TV binge dujour. This is what it looks like when you feel trapped in your job. If you don't recognize this picture, you're one of the lucky (or self-aware) few! For the rest of us, at some point in our careers, we've numbed ourselves into believing we're in a no way out situation with a healing pint of Talenti Sea Salt Caramel and some nasty words about the people and the situation that brought us here. 

While it's true that external forces can create one of these career rock-bottom moments where we have a micro-managing boss, a colleague seemingly sabotaging our success or a workplace with endless hours and unrelenting deadlines, STAYING in that situation is a CHOICE Let me repeat this to make sure you get it. 

Staying in the situation, continuing to tell yourself and others that you're trapped—IS YOUR CHOICE. 

Here are 3 ways I work with clients to help them make the critical mindset shift that propels them out of their stuck situation. 

1. What are you getting out of being trapped? 
As human beings, we typically don't stay in a situation if we're not getting something out of it. You may be yelling at the screen right now. "What the f could I be getting out of this job? I hate it!" I get it, but if you had to think of one thing, what would it be? Often the answer is—permission to choose fear. Fear of rejection when applying for a new job. Fear that you won't find the money or the flexibility you have right now. Fear that none of your interview clothes fit. Fear that the next job will be even worse. Fear that you can't do anything else. These are all valid and understandable fears, but you are a smart and capable person who has conquered your fears before. Why are you letting them win now? 

2. Acknowledge you're in a TEMPORARY crap-tastic situation
When you tell yourself that you're trapped, you cut off the potential of seeing any new opportunities or ways out of it. And you continue to create your "trapped" situation. By acknowledging that this moment is temporary, you remove the world of pressure that comes from the proposition of facing an entire lifetime of this feeling. Instead, you can focus on getting through this moment on this day. There's beautiful wisdom in the recovery program mantra, "One day at a time." All you need to do is focus on right now. The relief you feel from this one practice, will allow you to look up again while you're walking through the world and see clues and possibilities for your next move that would never have been available to you. 

3. Channel your superpowers
By this time in your career, you've logged some significant successes. It may be hard to remember them in your current state, but dig deep. What's a career highlight that makes you beam with pride? What are the special qualities you have that helped you succeed? What are the things others would tell you are your strengths or your superpowers (because that's frankly more fun)? If you're not sure, go ask the people who have supported you in your career. While it may be hard for you to ask, I assure you, it will be easy for them to answer. Get this list of superhuman qualities together and write out a plan for how you're going to use each one to get yourself out of this temporary shit-show. When you have a plan, you are leveraging your strengths and taking action every day with a maniacal focus. It's only a matter of time until this sitch eats your dust!

So put down the Talenti and the remote control. You're done choosing fear, today. 

As a Career and Leadership Coach, I’ve heard every complaint about networking there is. That said, I’m open to hearing some new ones—so share’em if you’ve got’em! You may have said some of these before. 

“I’m so bad at it.”

“I don’t have time.” 

“It makes me feel fake.” 

“I’m in a transition, so I’ll sound flakey.” 

“I’m better with dogs than I am with people.”

“I don’t do small talk!” 

“I’m too old. Nobody wants to talk to me.”

“I’m too young. I have nothing to say.” 

“I JUST F’ING HATE IT!” (A classic)

Deep breathe, friends. There is a way to network so that you feel like you—AND you don’t have to add another job onto the two or three you already have. 

Here are my New Networking Rules: For People Who Hate Networking to get you out of your head:

1. Language Is Power. Swap Out The Word “Networking” for “Connecting”:
Yes, networking can sound fake, phony, sales-y [insert hate-able word here], but what’s wrong with connecting with new people, asking a lot of questions, learning about them, sharing what you’re up to and building a relationship? It feels different and like something you would do in your everyday life. You never know if this person will be your new running buddy, a contact to meet for lunch once a month, someone who inspires you to take a new step in your career, the woman who connects you with the hiring manager at the company you’ve been researching or someone you will never see again. All of these are possibilities and it’s up to you to find out which one it will be. 

2. Forget Networking Events, Connect Where You Are:
Birthday parties, swimming lessons, playgrounds, family brunches, drinks with friends who bring their friends, meeting in coffee shops—my weekends are filled with all of these things and guess what—they’re all opportunities for connecting. If you don’t have time to add in an evening networking event because you work late or you want to put the kids to bed—I get it! I’ve done some of my best connecting while my kids are otherwise engaged at birthday parties. The other parents are all thrilled to have something to talk about beyond the kids for a little while (and to excuse us from that next bouncy slide). I’ve also found that when people are out of the often-stifling environment of a corporate event, they let down their guard and are more open, interesting and interested in a lively conversation. 

3. It Can Be a Game—Tally Up Chances To Practice Your Elevator Pitch:
Whether you’re looking for a new job or working on becoming more of a leader in your current role, you need an elevator pitch. There are many great articles online with formulas that work. Here’s one on Idealist.org that I like. Also, if you’re in a career transition, here’s another post that will help you figure out how to put that into words while sounding confident. It’s important that you practice your pitch aloud. You do not want to sound like C3PO. Before you get into an interview or a meeting with senior leaders, I recommend spending some time testing out your pitch on people in your close-in circle. Feel free to start with your partner, your close friend or your dog (especially if that’s your comfort zone as explained in the networking complaints above). Then move on to the friends of friends at that 40th birthday party you promised you would go to, but don’t know anyone beyond the birthday girl. Can you wrack up one practice a day? Go! 

4. It’s Not About You:
If you’ve read the first three rules and still want to hurl, try setting an intention that’s not about you. Practice your listening skills. Ask unexpected questions. Think about ways to help this person who’s taking the time to connect with you. In our distracted world, many of our conversations don’t include this level of listening so this can be a powerful way to get started. 

You may have heard the stats—over 80% of jobs are found via networking connecting. This can be a game-changer for you now that you know how to do it in a way that feels authentic and not like you’re constantly trying to be a “closer!” (said with loving respect to all you authentic closers out there). You do you and see what happens in the process.

A few weeks ago, my life changed in an instant…again. My 78-year-old Aunt Marilyn had a massive stroke while talking to a friend on the phone and we’ve been in crisis mode ever since. Since the day I was born, Aunt Marilyn has been my biggest fan, my BFF and the consistent, empathetic voice that pulled me out of the depths after my parents’ sudden death 31 years ago. For as long as I can remember, Aunt Marilyn and I spoke on the phone nearly every day to exchange minute to minute updates of our lives and more recently to celebrate the hilarious things my daughters do and say. To quote the wise words of Shonda Rimes, “She’s my person.” 

While Aunt Marilyn is now fighting this out in rehab, the road will be long and hard for her, and the recovery will never bring her back to who she was. I’ve been thrust into a world of home and long-term care logistics of medical jargon requiring every hamster in my brain to run wheels at top speeds. A world where sticking your tongue out on command is considered a huge win. And amidst the swirl of logistics, there are the moments I stand still, take a breath and realize anew the gravity of losing her. It will catch me off-guard walking down the crowded Brooklyn streets, or at a school event among strangers. It will even get me when I open my closet door and think about the countless hours we’ve spent over the years organizing every family members’ belongings. “Everyone needs an Aunt Marilyn...” I would say, opening my daughter’s closets with pride for each friend who came into our home. 

As my childhood bestie put it, “Rach, this isn’t your first rodeo.” Anyone who knows me knows I’ve eaten a few shit sandwiches in my life. I know they say, it’s going to make me stronger, but I thought I was already really freaking strong! I’m strong enough, thanks! While it does help to have the hard evidence that I’ve come out the other end of these rock bottoms a stronger person—I’ve highlighted some of the ways I continue to move forward through it all in the hopes that I can help some of you who may be struggling with shit sandwiches of your very own. 

1. Focus on right now:
A crisis can be paralyzing. There are a multitude of decisions to be made—decisions that you may not feel qualified to make, potentially life and death decisions…for someone else. In order to make these decisions, I focus on the information that’s in front of me right now and not the ripple effect they will have for everyone’s future. If I catch myself catastrophizing or spiraling into the many potential negative outcomes of these events before I have the information in front of me—I give myself some tough love (or bring in my people who will do that for me). Those future-focused worries are not helpful for anyone and will not bring me any closer to coming out of the crisis. 

2. Write it all down:
One thing that helps me stay in the moment is to keep ongoing lists of what needs to happen and only prioritize the tasks for today or at most this week. During a crisis, you will only have room in your brain (that has dramatically downshifted in efficiency right now) for today—and that’s ok. We know this is not how you typically roll if you’re a Type A-ish person, like me. This time around, my husband and I created a Google doc and shared it with a few key family members so that we can all have access to the information we need and continue to update each other on progress. The shared document allows me to give up any hope that I will retain information as I normally would. If it’s not on the list, it doesn’t get done. 

3. Laugh:
This sounds counter intuitive, but I tend to notice the funny moments in each of these overwhelming days. Like when one of my uncles decided to play department store elevator operator on the crowded hospital elevator. Doors open, my Uncle says, “Women’s wear, lingerie.” All heads turn at once. Many unimpressed, some offended. Retelling these stories to the select few who get (and even adore) the dark humor I’ve developed over the years AND laughing together at the ridiculousness of life has kept me sane. Thank you to that inner circle who understand why I’ve needed a daily laugh even more than a daily cry. 

4. Make your health a top priority:
Right now, I want to eat ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner, but I'm not. I know I'm a critical player on this team and I must put my health first! Our tendency is to think about our own needs last given everything that’s currently at stake. This is not an approach that will get me through the long haul. I’ve been religious about my immunity boosting supplements, my mostly clean eating, my exercise (more about this in #5) and taking even a few quiet minutes to myself. I can’t tell you how grateful I am for feeling strong every morning when I wake, knowing all I must accomplish. It makes me re-double efforts (save a glass of wine or piece of chocolate here and there. I mean, I’m human!). 

5. Do the things that make you feel like you:
The first four days I was in the hospital, non-stop. I was with family 24/7, talking, processing, making sure everyone else was ok and safe and had all the information they needed for the decisions in front of us. On the fifth day, I went for a 4 mile run in Prospect Park with a close friend in the morning. That run, that chat, that fresh air, that park I love—it was bliss. It was a reset button for me as is writing this piece right now. As I write, I’m getting calls from social workers and nurses and emails from home health care agencies—and after each one, I come back for more of my medicine which is writing and connecting with you. As crazy as it sounds, these things that bring me joy also give me the touchstones I need to know I'm going to be ok at the other end of this thing. 

6. Get support:
I have the best people in my life. Family, friends (old and new), neighbors—EVERYONE has kept us afloat. I’m grateful beyond words. I’ve reached out to all my people to talk, laugh, cry, get referrals and information, entertain and care for our children when we need to be at the hospital. I am so lucky to have this support network to help me get through this. I’ve realized that reaching out to your people—even when it’s hard to ask for help—is an essential part to getting through a crisis in tact. I don’t have to be a one-woman army. That’s a sure-fire way to burn myself out. And if at some point I feel like I need the help of an un-biased professional, a therapist is always a good option, as well. I’ve done this after various crises in my life—starting when I lost my parents at age 11. It set the stage for me to be able to accept professional support when I needed it and internalize the strategies I learned to use on my own, as well. 

7. Don’t expect perfection:
As I write this I’m squashing a voice in my head that’s telling me I’m taking too long to write this and it’s not the epic piece I wanted to write about this epic situation. I’m often catching my clients and myself in the desire for perfection. It’s unattainable on a good day, so right now, it’s out of the question! The interesting part about a crisis is that it’s quite a good time to practice dropping perfectionism in your life. It’s a time when priorities come into view and all of a sudden the stain on your five year old’s dress doesn’t seem to match up with whether or not your aunt will be able to swallow food ongoing. One of these things is not like the other. And by making the choice to not focus on the trivial details, I can create the muscle memory that I will continue to recall post-crisis.

8. Practice gratitude:
This has been a no-brainer for me, but it’s worth mentioning. At the end of a long day of watching my aunt struggle and my uncle heartbroken over seeing her this way, I’m eternally grateful for much in my life. For my husband who is my partner in all of this, for his health and his ability to put his arms around me to make me know it’s going to be ok. I savor the moment I can snuggle in bed with my five year old and watch her figure out how to read with all consuming pride. And hearing my eight year old have legitimate and interesting conversations with all of our friends and neighbors like she’s eight going on forty. These are the reminders of the joy life is capable of providing, even in the face of struggle and sickness and uncertainty. 

There was once a time when I would have carried a lot of shame around the fact that I’ve been through enough crises to create a framework around managing them. But, now I know it’s one of those things that draws people to me, that makes them want to put me on their short list of people to call when they’re in it. I take those calls with a calm presence and an empathy that lets my people know—you’re going to make it through. I believe in you. And they do make it. Now they have the chance to use what they’ve learned to help me make it too—and I couldn’t be more grateful.